d20

when i get to two pages of comments, it's a clear sign that it's been too long between journal entries.

i rearranged my desk to accommodate my 19" monitor, laptop, keyboard, mouse, and second monitor for the laptop... it's a bit busy but i can now work on both comps at once. why would i need to do this? well shit, someone's gotta look up items and quests on thottbot right? right. so until i can find a way to jimmy a better video card into my stupid compaq 1700, this is how it will be. thanks to a long-dead warranty, i'm at liberty to crack it open and fuss around with the chip, ram, gpu, hdd, and the now deceased dvd drive... it'll be like putting together a frankenbox, only significantly more cramped. nothing like a good challenge to liven up an otherwise boring last few months in kelowna.

speaking of which, i currently have negative dollars. it's a shitty feeling waiting for cheques to arrive and knowing that they won't be here until the end of december, but hey, such is life. i'll sit around, stress out a little, play some world of warcraft, then hopefully get back into production mode on contracts and such. i've found that not having a shitty job is only marginally better than having a shitty job - the prime benefits being unlimited time with posh and the ability to rearrange my sleep schedule to best fit her (now our) rather odd nighttime habits. i think running through VanCleef's instance until 6am two nights in a row might have been pushing it though... i got up at 4pm today and despite the joys of laying in bed for damn near ever, it seems the net effect is pretty negative. crabbiness, disorientation, mild dementia... entertaining to a point, but it's a very small and dangerous point and it gleams with significant menace. also the cats are getting pissed off at how irregular their feeding schedule has become... i can't blame them, they are after all cats. eating is their thing, it's what they do.

on a less smalltalk-with-strangers note, i've been wanting to actually write songs more and more but feel less and less equipped to do it. listening to the two or three near-finished things that i'd actually call songs, i think i actually like them, but they were all put together years ago. can i still do that? looking through the time between then and now i see a hell of a slump, and i've been trying to work out what the remedy is. i know that my setup just won't cut it anymore... i need a proper synth, a midi controller, a new soundcard, a new microphone, and for fuck's sake i need to freshen up on theory. combine a control freak with fading knowlege of music theory and you've got a bundle of self loathing defeatism just waiting to devour whatever ideas stumble onto its path. "you can't write songs, you don't know how anymore. you can't play guitar half as well as you used to, and you're too broke to upgrade any of your equipment... you lent your mixer out to someone who might actually use it (unlike you), and your decks are sitting under a pile of dust and garbage... and who do you have to blame? yourself, you sorry lazy son of a bitch". well what the hell, i'll just listen to other people doing it right and sample them... oh wait that's what i've been doing for the past four years. i have a huge sample library and fuck all else, "bravo! you've developed a talent for half-done mashups. what glory, what astounding talent. surely a fruitful career in music is ahead of you, what with the tireless dedication you've shown". lately all i feel good at is playing video games, and i'm not stupid enough to go down the usual fanboy hey-i-love-games-i-should-make-them path. meh.

well that was a good bit of wallowing. tune in next week for stories about an unkempt loser who is too boring to turn his girlfriend on, and another essay on why seeing my mother makes me sad. the slow braindeath of unemployment makes for cheery journal entries. i think i need to go for a walk and, as my favorite over-quoted bangers (other than manowar) would say, turn down the suck.

edit: a song came on right after i hit "save entry" that's way too fitting. if you can name who sang this, you win the I Liked 90's Rock Too Much Prize: and as the final sunset rolls behind the earth and the clock is finally dead, i'll look at you, you'll look at me and we'll cry a lot, but this will be what we said, this will be what we said: "look where all this talking got us, baby."