d20

so, there was a halloween party here tonight. the short version is that it got out of hand and both the police and my landlord showed up. i had a personal chat with my downstairs neighbour and my landlord for about 15 minutes. i think that's about all that needs to be said.

this is a journal after all though, so i'll continue on a bit. i said i was sorry - a few times - but that doesn't cover it . i said "it's my house and my fault, i'm sorry" but that isn't it really. i'm ashamed. i've been truly shamed by what happened in my house tonight - my house that i'm responsible for. i've been shamed in the eyes of Dal, my landlord, whose property i'm in charge of. i was shamed by the actions of others, which makes me angry instead of hurt. were they my actions i'd be horrified, but as it stands - when it all boils down - it's still my fault.

i was near to actually crying over it. standing in my bathroom looking in the mirror i was close, but i thought about it... i've let loose a few times. a few times with my baby nicola (you're reading this, i know you are, i miss you). once in Jett's arms for a different reason. once when i felt i'd truly failed my mother. and once when i broke up with colleen. when faced with that, what the fuck does shame count for? i means nothing. i'm going to bed.