Long entry...most of the middle stuff is random babbling that I needed to get off of my chest, so if you really wanna read something outta this whole babble the at least read the first and last paragraphs. Yeah I think thats right.
So Ive come to the conclusion that as much as I like my job it gives me way too much time to think about things. Most of you are probably thinkingwell my job is like that toobut at least a good chunk of you get to interact with people during you job at some point during the day, I on the other hand dont get that. Waitthats a lie.I domy bossand the odd person that comes to look at the plots that their company has at the farm. But that only happens a few times during the month, but I only get to talk to them for about 5 minutes if Im lucky and thats usually just to tell them where my boss is. For the most part its either me and the radio or me, the wind and the bugs. It really does get kind of lonely and I come to terms with the fact that I miss my old job of waitressing, but such is life. I mean heres a sample of my day today.I looked at weeds for a couple of hours and then spent the rest of the day washing off dirt from the roots of plants. Im sure that most of you are like man I wanna do that and get paid for it. But in all honesty I thought that it sucked cuz the day went by SO slow. So I get back to the whole thinking thing again.
I think I must have though about a lot of things that have or are going on in my life right now.I had one of those stupid internet quiz questions stuck in my head and I was trying to figure out what my answer would be for it. What is you greatest fear? So I thought about it a lot actually and came up with the answer of losing those that I care aboutfriends and familyokay, yeah, that was an obvious. But the other one that I came up with was rejection. Yeah I know, I havent entirely figured that one yet but Im sure I will, Ive got a lot of thinking time ahead. I did have some reasons for it though
1. I think that it stems from high school and being very self conscious and having low self esteem. Ive ALWAYS(and still am) bugged about how short I am. That one Ive gotten used to and doesnt bother me as muchbut every once in awhile it does. Ive just come up with the conclusion that I dont have to bend down as far. I also got the part that I wasnt very pretty or that I was chunkyhell, I was even told that the wall had more curves then me. It takes a lot out of a person to laugh that off especially when deep down it really hurts and for some reason the people saying have no idea. I had one guy make me cry and even still he saw that I was crying and continued to bug me. Ive just learnt how to bottle it upbut as of lately it hasnt been working as well.
2. Im scared that people I meet arent going to like me and if they so then eventually Ill do something stupid that they dont like and Ill end up losing them as friends. Or theyll just talk about me and make fun of me behind my back about the things that I do. And its hard because friends really mean a lot to me. Theyre the ones I go to for advice; party with, talk withIm sure you know how it works.
3. Boys. Yup Im scared of being rejected by them. I think thats a pretty common one for people but still. According to my parents boys are not supposed to be a priority...school comes first, but you cant help it sometimes. I always tend to like the ones that I cant have and then once my interest from them dwindlesthen they like me.
So another thing that I started thinking of is what I want out of a relationshipwhenever I get into another one. Maybe Im being to critical of what I want but Ive been in a relationship where in all honesty I never got any of the following out of it. I know that Im not skinny and I probably never will be and as Ive said before I really dont think that Im pretty. Ill never be the girl that guys drool/whistle at when Im walking down the street, Ive accepted that fact. I wish that it was different but such is life. But I do know this much, I want someone that can honestly look at me and tell me that I look pretty. Ill admit I fish for compliments but if you want to know why see point #1. Then only compliment that I think Ive ever really gotten on a continual basis from guys is about my smile. Ive been told that I can light up a room by just smiling, and that means a lot to me. Ive only gotten the star treatment from one guywell maybe two. And to tell you the truth it scared me. I didnt know how to react to it cuz its something that Im not used too.but I did like it, dont get me wrong, I was just scared. But yeahanyways.to what I wantwell would like if it happenedI want a guy to show up at my door spur of the moment with say pizza and a movie(preferably scarythat way we can cuddle) so that we can spend time together. Or to show up with a weekend of camping planned. To give me a giftno matter how simple it may be like a little note or a flower that was picked you know stupid little things. I want to be able to walk in public and hold hands with him (doesnt have to be the whole timebut at least a little bit). Someone whose not afraid to give my a goodbye kiss in front of parents.(no there doesnt have to be tongue involved...actually preferably no tongue), who can actually tell me how they feel about things, who doesnt seem to be embarrassed by me. Someone whose not afraid to use the phone and call me once in awhile to tell me how things are goingor to at least write me an email. Iunno maybe Im visualizing one hell of a dreamcuz I dont know when this is going to happen.
On another note I really love being out in the country. I know I keep saying that I want to come back to the city but thats only cuz all my friends are out there and it gets a little boring around here, but I cant stay in the city for that long cuz then I start to hate everything there no matter how many friends I have there. They are just so full of people and buildings and bahout here the nearest building I can see is the barn and the two shops.the nearest neighbour.is their fricking yard lightyeah thats right I cant even see their house, and to tell you the truth thats the way I like it, and the best part is theres hardly any traffic, no fucking people at 2 or 3 in the morning that decided to honk at the driver in front of them, no car alarms, no noisy stereos, no nosy cars.just silence. Sweet silence. Ive started walking at least 2 miles a daynot including all the walking that I do at work. And man do I love it. Its so peaceful out here, aside from the occasional vehicle that you can hear from the highway. It smells so clean and fresh. I dont know how to describe it, its just really amazing.
TokyoSeven you better get you ass down here sometimes this summerand regardless Im making plans that your going to come here with me for one weekend during the fall, cuz its even better out here at that time of year. And if not Im going to resort back to this kidnapping plan that I have..hehehe.
Anyways, I think Im done for today. Ill see what work has in store for me tomorrow.
Hugz
So Ive come to the conclusion that as much as I like my job it gives me way too much time to think about things. Most of you are probably thinkingwell my job is like that toobut at least a good chunk of you get to interact with people during you job at some point during the day, I on the other hand dont get that. Waitthats a lie.I domy bossand the odd person that comes to look at the plots that their company has at the farm. But that only happens a few times during the month, but I only get to talk to them for about 5 minutes if Im lucky and thats usually just to tell them where my boss is. For the most part its either me and the radio or me, the wind and the bugs. It really does get kind of lonely and I come to terms with the fact that I miss my old job of waitressing, but such is life. I mean heres a sample of my day today.I looked at weeds for a couple of hours and then spent the rest of the day washing off dirt from the roots of plants. Im sure that most of you are like man I wanna do that and get paid for it. But in all honesty I thought that it sucked cuz the day went by SO slow. So I get back to the whole thinking thing again.
I think I must have though about a lot of things that have or are going on in my life right now.I had one of those stupid internet quiz questions stuck in my head and I was trying to figure out what my answer would be for it. What is you greatest fear? So I thought about it a lot actually and came up with the answer of losing those that I care aboutfriends and familyokay, yeah, that was an obvious. But the other one that I came up with was rejection. Yeah I know, I havent entirely figured that one yet but Im sure I will, Ive got a lot of thinking time ahead. I did have some reasons for it though
1. I think that it stems from high school and being very self conscious and having low self esteem. Ive ALWAYS(and still am) bugged about how short I am. That one Ive gotten used to and doesnt bother me as muchbut every once in awhile it does. Ive just come up with the conclusion that I dont have to bend down as far. I also got the part that I wasnt very pretty or that I was chunkyhell, I was even told that the wall had more curves then me. It takes a lot out of a person to laugh that off especially when deep down it really hurts and for some reason the people saying have no idea. I had one guy make me cry and even still he saw that I was crying and continued to bug me. Ive just learnt how to bottle it upbut as of lately it hasnt been working as well.
2. Im scared that people I meet arent going to like me and if they so then eventually Ill do something stupid that they dont like and Ill end up losing them as friends. Or theyll just talk about me and make fun of me behind my back about the things that I do. And its hard because friends really mean a lot to me. Theyre the ones I go to for advice; party with, talk withIm sure you know how it works.
3. Boys. Yup Im scared of being rejected by them. I think thats a pretty common one for people but still. According to my parents boys are not supposed to be a priority...school comes first, but you cant help it sometimes. I always tend to like the ones that I cant have and then once my interest from them dwindlesthen they like me.
So another thing that I started thinking of is what I want out of a relationshipwhenever I get into another one. Maybe Im being to critical of what I want but Ive been in a relationship where in all honesty I never got any of the following out of it. I know that Im not skinny and I probably never will be and as Ive said before I really dont think that Im pretty. Ill never be the girl that guys drool/whistle at when Im walking down the street, Ive accepted that fact. I wish that it was different but such is life. But I do know this much, I want someone that can honestly look at me and tell me that I look pretty. Ill admit I fish for compliments but if you want to know why see point #1. Then only compliment that I think Ive ever really gotten on a continual basis from guys is about my smile. Ive been told that I can light up a room by just smiling, and that means a lot to me. Ive only gotten the star treatment from one guywell maybe two. And to tell you the truth it scared me. I didnt know how to react to it cuz its something that Im not used too.but I did like it, dont get me wrong, I was just scared. But yeahanyways.to what I wantwell would like if it happenedI want a guy to show up at my door spur of the moment with say pizza and a movie(preferably scarythat way we can cuddle) so that we can spend time together. Or to show up with a weekend of camping planned. To give me a giftno matter how simple it may be like a little note or a flower that was picked you know stupid little things. I want to be able to walk in public and hold hands with him (doesnt have to be the whole timebut at least a little bit). Someone whose not afraid to give my a goodbye kiss in front of parents.(no there doesnt have to be tongue involved...actually preferably no tongue), who can actually tell me how they feel about things, who doesnt seem to be embarrassed by me. Someone whose not afraid to use the phone and call me once in awhile to tell me how things are goingor to at least write me an email. Iunno maybe Im visualizing one hell of a dreamcuz I dont know when this is going to happen.
On another note I really love being out in the country. I know I keep saying that I want to come back to the city but thats only cuz all my friends are out there and it gets a little boring around here, but I cant stay in the city for that long cuz then I start to hate everything there no matter how many friends I have there. They are just so full of people and buildings and bahout here the nearest building I can see is the barn and the two shops.the nearest neighbour.is their fricking yard lightyeah thats right I cant even see their house, and to tell you the truth thats the way I like it, and the best part is theres hardly any traffic, no fucking people at 2 or 3 in the morning that decided to honk at the driver in front of them, no car alarms, no noisy stereos, no nosy cars.just silence. Sweet silence. Ive started walking at least 2 miles a daynot including all the walking that I do at work. And man do I love it. Its so peaceful out here, aside from the occasional vehicle that you can hear from the highway. It smells so clean and fresh. I dont know how to describe it, its just really amazing.
TokyoSeven you better get you ass down here sometimes this summerand regardless Im making plans that your going to come here with me for one weekend during the fall, cuz its even better out here at that time of year. And if not Im going to resort back to this kidnapping plan that I have..hehehe.
Anyways, I think Im done for today. Ill see what work has in store for me tomorrow.
Hugz
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
Kisses
You are beautiful! Maybe not in the traditional runway model sense. But, you have a pretty face. I'd like to see a picture of you smiling. Not a fake smile, but a genuine one.
You are unique. Being short or not curvy just defines you as being different from others. We can't all the Paris Hilton, nor would we want to be.
The important thing is to be confident in your body. It takes a while to feel comfortable in your skin, especially for women. Probably by your late twenties you'll figure it out.
As for rejection, everyone has to deal with it. We all have fear and we carry our baggage with us wherever we go, no matter how old we get. You don't have to impress or excite everyone. Just focus on making friends with good people who will respect you, treat you the way you deserve to be treated and help you through the rough spots in your life.
Well, I think that's enough for now. Hang in there. Enjoy your youth. Life gets a little more boring when you're older. ;
Love, Kail