Would you believe I have not been in a real romantic relationship for about 7 years? While I have met some great people, and have had some wonderful experiences, I have not opened a very important part of my heart for a long while. Sometimes I worry that, when the time comes, I'll find it has completely rusted shut. While I know this is not the case, now and then the feeling does creep up.
I feel there is a potential sealed inside of me that can only be breached by the love of a woman. Not to say that love and passion complete me, but rather, they enhance me. For, it is in these times that I feel most like a man, like I have grown fully into my skin.
With each passing year I am better able to understand who I am, what potential I am capeable of fulfilling, and yet how little I have actually experienced. This growth is indeed bittersweet.
My days currently consist of work, the radio station, reading vintage crime pulp, and going to some social events here and there. "Will today be the day I find love?" I find myself wondering upon my departing for each of these places, knowing that by asking I am, in fact, jinxing myself.
It makes me wonder if i do it on purpose. If I dismiss the opportunities I so frequently seek because in reality I am afraid of falling in love. I tell myself "That can't be!", but I could swear sometimes it is the case. It would certainly explain why the ladies I fall for are the ones I can't have, or why with quite a few of the ones I can have I find "reasons" not to.
Believe it or not, these "reasons" are quite significant. For example, I can't be with someone who lets their problems consume their life without attempting to solve them and I can't love someone who doesn't feel worthy being loved. Every person involved in such practices and beliefs, no matter how much they try to conceal them, exhibits behavior that ultimately gives them away. But good God! Why does it seem like everyone I meet has these problems?!
Am I being paranoid or am I just unlucky?
In any case, I guess I'll keep myself busy. I've got to go to work in a few hours, then I have the radio show to do later tonight, and I guess I'll read some more of my Mickey Spillane between the two.
g'night.
....and thanks for reading,
Cynic
I feel there is a potential sealed inside of me that can only be breached by the love of a woman. Not to say that love and passion complete me, but rather, they enhance me. For, it is in these times that I feel most like a man, like I have grown fully into my skin.
With each passing year I am better able to understand who I am, what potential I am capeable of fulfilling, and yet how little I have actually experienced. This growth is indeed bittersweet.
My days currently consist of work, the radio station, reading vintage crime pulp, and going to some social events here and there. "Will today be the day I find love?" I find myself wondering upon my departing for each of these places, knowing that by asking I am, in fact, jinxing myself.
It makes me wonder if i do it on purpose. If I dismiss the opportunities I so frequently seek because in reality I am afraid of falling in love. I tell myself "That can't be!", but I could swear sometimes it is the case. It would certainly explain why the ladies I fall for are the ones I can't have, or why with quite a few of the ones I can have I find "reasons" not to.
Believe it or not, these "reasons" are quite significant. For example, I can't be with someone who lets their problems consume their life without attempting to solve them and I can't love someone who doesn't feel worthy being loved. Every person involved in such practices and beliefs, no matter how much they try to conceal them, exhibits behavior that ultimately gives them away. But good God! Why does it seem like everyone I meet has these problems?!
Am I being paranoid or am I just unlucky?
In any case, I guess I'll keep myself busy. I've got to go to work in a few hours, then I have the radio show to do later tonight, and I guess I'll read some more of my Mickey Spillane between the two.
g'night.
....and thanks for reading,
Cynic
bijoux:
i'm listening to your show!!! 