So my friends have a radio show on our college station. It is silly and entertaining, and because of that it is a pretty good show. One of their segments is called "Worst Video in the Video Store." Where they watch a video they expect to be awful so that you don't have to. Because of how terrible these movies sometimes are, they ask friends to join their suffering. Being the masochist I am, I volunteer and have watched nearly everyone they have done. So I figured I would spread the service to anyone willing to read this blog and prevent you from watching terrible movies.
This week's video was Crank 2: High Voltage. Let me tell you, if you thought Crank was absurd and far fetched, you ain't seen nothing yet. For those of you that actually planned on seeing this movie, I apologize and question your judgment, but I would also like to warn you that I will not hold back on spoilers. Consider this your one and only spoiler alert.
Let me start by giving you a synopsis of the entire movie. The movie summarizes itself at the end when Jason Statham flips you off at the end, not one of the many gang members he is fight, he looks straight into the camera and flips you, the audience off. This entire movie just seems like a giant "F You" from Jason Statham.
Now, for those of you that have not seen Crank that's OK, Crank 2 begins with an 8-bit reenactment of the ending of the first movie. And you will learn that he fell from a helicopter which was high above LA, and his the pavement. The Triads then come and scoop him off the street with a snow shovel. This is the level of realism we are atarting with, and it gets worse from there. The Triads begin to harvest his organs and start by removing his heart and replacing it with an artificial one. The entire movie is then centered around Jason Statham's character trying to get back his heart.
To better demonstrate the quality of this movie I am going to list the 10 things I learned by watching it.
1) Apparently if you fall 6,000ft from a helicopter and hit pavement, all you need is a new heart and nothing else. You find out later that he was out for 3 months, but you'd still think there'd be some kind of permanent damage, like I don't know, shattered bones or death.
2) You can actually watch your own open heart surgery. There is a scene where they take out Jason Statham's heart, and he is watching the doctor holding his still beating heart while there is nothing in his chest. His head is actually leaning up to stare at the heart in the doctor's hands!
3) Don't piss off Jason Statham, he'll sodomize you with a shotgun. And if you're lucky, he won't pull the trigger. That's actually a scene in the movie.
4) Black market organ dealers keep their product with them when they visit whore houses. When Statham finally tracks down the guy he's looking for, the guy is at a seedy house which is full of men and their prostitutes, and this guy is running away with a red coleman cooler under his arm.
5) When you save a prostitute's life she owes you a Wookie life debt. Statham saves a very racially stereotyped Asian prostitute's life and she proceeds to follow him throughout the movie and tells him that she is his for the rest of her life.
6) When you jump start an artificial heart you get Popeye-like strength. Every time Jason Statham shocks himself to recharge his artificial heart it is followed by a surge or explosive speed and strength unleashed on anyone in his way.
7) Strippers are trained to defend their strip clubs. When the stereotypical Mexican gang burst into the strip club Jason Statham is in, he opens fire on them and they fire back. Then from every corner of the club strippers poor out with automatic weapons and shot guns, mowing down gangsters left and right.
8) You can have sex multiple times in the time it takes for one race at the race track to finish. Just like in the first movie, Jason Statham in order to keep himself alive must have sex with his girlfriend in public. So he and Amy Smart go at it and happen to fall onto the race track. They go through at least 8 different positions before the horses finally get to where they are on the track. And then the horses just jump over them while they are having sex.
0) The leader of the Triads is a dirty old man who cruises around LA looking for tail. This is really how they portrayed the leader of the infamous Triads, a guy that has to cruise around hoping to get lucky. I would expect a man that powerful to have a harem.
10) Gangs are terrible at business. At the end you learn that the gang who stole Statham's heart have the technology from Futurama to preserve heads in a jar. And rather than make millions upon billions legitimately off of selling this technology, they continue their life of crime. Come on, they have head in jar tech!
I apologize for how long this is, hopefully in the future it will be a bit shorter since I won't have to explain why I am doing this next time. Thanks for reading.
This week's video was Crank 2: High Voltage. Let me tell you, if you thought Crank was absurd and far fetched, you ain't seen nothing yet. For those of you that actually planned on seeing this movie, I apologize and question your judgment, but I would also like to warn you that I will not hold back on spoilers. Consider this your one and only spoiler alert.
Let me start by giving you a synopsis of the entire movie. The movie summarizes itself at the end when Jason Statham flips you off at the end, not one of the many gang members he is fight, he looks straight into the camera and flips you, the audience off. This entire movie just seems like a giant "F You" from Jason Statham.
Now, for those of you that have not seen Crank that's OK, Crank 2 begins with an 8-bit reenactment of the ending of the first movie. And you will learn that he fell from a helicopter which was high above LA, and his the pavement. The Triads then come and scoop him off the street with a snow shovel. This is the level of realism we are atarting with, and it gets worse from there. The Triads begin to harvest his organs and start by removing his heart and replacing it with an artificial one. The entire movie is then centered around Jason Statham's character trying to get back his heart.
To better demonstrate the quality of this movie I am going to list the 10 things I learned by watching it.
1) Apparently if you fall 6,000ft from a helicopter and hit pavement, all you need is a new heart and nothing else. You find out later that he was out for 3 months, but you'd still think there'd be some kind of permanent damage, like I don't know, shattered bones or death.
2) You can actually watch your own open heart surgery. There is a scene where they take out Jason Statham's heart, and he is watching the doctor holding his still beating heart while there is nothing in his chest. His head is actually leaning up to stare at the heart in the doctor's hands!
3) Don't piss off Jason Statham, he'll sodomize you with a shotgun. And if you're lucky, he won't pull the trigger. That's actually a scene in the movie.
4) Black market organ dealers keep their product with them when they visit whore houses. When Statham finally tracks down the guy he's looking for, the guy is at a seedy house which is full of men and their prostitutes, and this guy is running away with a red coleman cooler under his arm.
5) When you save a prostitute's life she owes you a Wookie life debt. Statham saves a very racially stereotyped Asian prostitute's life and she proceeds to follow him throughout the movie and tells him that she is his for the rest of her life.
6) When you jump start an artificial heart you get Popeye-like strength. Every time Jason Statham shocks himself to recharge his artificial heart it is followed by a surge or explosive speed and strength unleashed on anyone in his way.
7) Strippers are trained to defend their strip clubs. When the stereotypical Mexican gang burst into the strip club Jason Statham is in, he opens fire on them and they fire back. Then from every corner of the club strippers poor out with automatic weapons and shot guns, mowing down gangsters left and right.
8) You can have sex multiple times in the time it takes for one race at the race track to finish. Just like in the first movie, Jason Statham in order to keep himself alive must have sex with his girlfriend in public. So he and Amy Smart go at it and happen to fall onto the race track. They go through at least 8 different positions before the horses finally get to where they are on the track. And then the horses just jump over them while they are having sex.
0) The leader of the Triads is a dirty old man who cruises around LA looking for tail. This is really how they portrayed the leader of the infamous Triads, a guy that has to cruise around hoping to get lucky. I would expect a man that powerful to have a harem.
10) Gangs are terrible at business. At the end you learn that the gang who stole Statham's heart have the technology from Futurama to preserve heads in a jar. And rather than make millions upon billions legitimately off of selling this technology, they continue their life of crime. Come on, they have head in jar tech!
I apologize for how long this is, hopefully in the future it will be a bit shorter since I won't have to explain why I am doing this next time. Thanks for reading.
Have you seen Snatch? I rather liked that one.