Friday Jan 04, 2008

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I don't know what to say or what to do right now. frown I've been really good with my depression and handling it and not lettingit control me. Latelly though.. especially today .. its fucking tearing me in half.. I am using like all my energy to NOT cry right now... if you read my last blog yo know to a degree what is bothering me..... i just want to be held right now i.... i want to scream and cry and .... in the end i want to know i am still loved and cared for. ..... i need love and not sex.. and not even like LOVE just someone who cares for and about me to hold me and listen to me or talk to me or.... anything........ i dont know what to do frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown frown mad mad
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grigley:
back in may of 2005 i was admitted to the psych ward and declared clinically depressed. i wasn't suicidal or anything, i would just cry for weeks on end. i was engaged to be married at the time, but my fiance was a functioning alcoholic who was addicted to his fifa soccer game and pot. he cared about me a lot, but in my heart i knew i just couldn't marry him. maybe that's why i cried all the time...the doc put me on lexapro and sent me on my way. by august of 2005 i was out of control - manically spending money on 8 hour shopping sprees and telling off my boss at work. my boss finally insisted that i GET HELP or don't bother ever coming back to work. so i enrolled in an outpatient hospitalization program for two weeks. i was being told that i was BIPOLAR and hypermanic. i was placed on a mood stablizer as well as my lexapro. over the next two years my drug cocktail increased to seven different meds. This past october i said FUCK IT and went off all my meds cold turkey. and guess what? I feel alive and free again! however, i'm insanely manic and now my doc wants me on just two drugs.

what i'm getting at is this - you may need to be psychologically evaluated if you're forever sad and crying. not that i'm a huge advocate of being medicated, but maybe you have a legitimate reason for being sad. i was told i have a "brain disorder." don't know what the fuck that means, but I guess I'm a little different from other people.

on the other hand, you may just be exhibiting all the classic signs of your humanhood - people NEED to be loved. it's a basic instinct. but answer me this: do you love yourself first? if you don't, how can you expect others to love you completely? love attracts love so LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!! look at your beautiful self in the mirror and proudly proclaim: I LOVE ME!!

after 34 years on this Earth, I can finally honestly say that I love myself. give it a try, okay? love
brightredscream:
*hugs*
Breathe, don't beat yourself up for feeling this way....
I know it's hard, but remember - if it's any consolation - you're not alone in this.

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