Hey Babes,
this is my first blog and I thought you might want to know why I am here. It's going to be quite personal, I hope you don't mind.
Well, from when I was a kid, I've always been different from others. I never wanted to be everybody's darling at daycare or at school. I always did "my thing" and never really gave a shit about what others thought about me. I wasn't a loner though, I had friends, but I wasn't the nice pretty little girl everybody loved. My parents always supported me to be myself and be different. I got that from them. Like, when I was 14, there was a classical piano concert at my school. And I went there with my mom, with my green hair and my combat boots. There was another mother who whispered that someone like me shouldn't be allowed to attend an event like this. I didn't hear it, but my mom did...and HOLY SMOKES...my mom gave her shit!!!! lol
Or when I went through my goth times with 16. My mom wasn't afraid that I might turn into a depressed- kids-eating-animal-torturing zombie. She liked my black and white make up and my lace dresses. She was never embarassed to go out with me or stuff like that.
Oh, that reminds me of something...here is a little family story, so you know how crazy my parents are, lol:Some days before my dad married my mom, his parents gave him some cash to buy a new suit. My dad went to town and saw those awesome snake-leather cowboy boots. His money was only enough for one...either a suit or those boots...so guess what: my dad married my mom in blue jeans with Rolling Stones-patches, a leather jacket AND *drumroll* those snake boots! His parents were shocked, but my mom was quite happy! :-)
So, back to the point: my whole youth I lived happily expressing myself, tattoos, piercings, dyed hair. All was cool. But some years ago I met the wrong man or well, let's say I was stupid enough to let the wrong man into my life. At first he liked the way I was. I guess it was that ''exotic thing''. But as the years passed by he hated all that more and more. He made me remove my piercings, even wanted me to lazer off my tattoos. He hated my friends, he hated the music I love. When ever I dyed my hair he told me I'd do that to attract other men. It was a struggle to go out with my girls in the evening. It was even a struggle to go to the movies with MY DAD!!! When I told him I'd be at home by 11pm and it turned out to be 11:30 I was afraid to go home because I knew he'd give me HELL! I must say that I am a peace-loving human being. I hate quarrels, I cannot stand it when someone shouts at me at all. So I did everything to please him, to avoid drama. I took out my facial piercings, didn't add new tattoos anymore (I once made an appointment behind his back, but when the day came I was too afraid to go and do it!) and my hair was just blonde. I tried not to annoy him. I know that was stupid. What ever I did to keep the peace, it wasn't enough anywas. As much as I tried to be a good wifey and clean and cook and stuff, the more my life turned into hell. But I kept going. Until the day he hit and strangled me the first time. Police threw him out and he wasn't allowed to approach and contact me anymore for a month. After that month...yeah, I know it sucks... he apologized and we did a couple therapy and tried again. We moved ahead for another 2 years without another case of domestic violence, but I wasn't happy. I was still caged and not free to be myself. I was told I was fat and ugly on a daily basis, that nobody wanted me anyway and that I would never find a better man. If you get the same brain wash over and over again, you start to believe it.
The change came 1,5 years ago when I met that awesome person on facebook. Yeah, on facebook. He lives on the other side of the world, but his messages hit me at the right spots and opened my eyes. He gradually gave me back my self esteem. It was like waking up from a night mare. Suddenly I looked into the mirror and said: No, you aren't ugly! You aren't! And guess what: within 4 weeks my ex was out of the house, my piercings and even more of them, back in where they belonged to and my hair dyed fire red!
Finally he was the one who suggested I should try to get into alt modelling. At first I was shocked cause I thought ''Who in God's name should be interested to take pictures of me or be interested to look at them?" But one day I was brave enough to try and was surprised how well it went. I love it. Modelling has changed my life. I love being creative and express myself in front of the camera. I love preparing for shoots, discussing concepts, looking for outfits, co-models and all that.
But, why Suicide Girls? To me becoming a SG is like the coronation of alt modelling. I want that so bad. Even if it's just one set in my entire life that will be successful, I don't mind. I'll be grateful anyway. I tried so hard to make a good set. Honestly, I've been trying for almost a year now. My first set I did wasn't good enough. The photographer I chose wasn't into nude modelling and I really lacked experience. The combination of both was terrible. I decided to do a lot of nudes first to practice. And I practiced and practiced my ass off!! The next photographer I chose was an experienced SG photographer and the concept and shooting itself was awesome. Bad luck, she got robbed some days after the shoot and my pics were gone with the stolen equipment. I was really down when that happened. I wanted to quit modelling for ever and ever and only cried for days. I wasn't able to talk to anybody, I just cried. I know there are worse problems in this world than a stolen SG set. Other people starve to death while I write this, others have to deal with wars, others loose a loved person...but at this point that was the worst FOR ME! It was like a bad omen that told me "You won't make it anyway, you are fat and ugly and nobody likes you, nobody will like your set anyway so better stop trying!" I am glad I tried one last time and I am so proud that I made it as a Hopeful now. Actually, I was dancing, screaming and singing when I got the mail that my set was accepted for MR yesterday.
So, that's it for today.
If you like to see more of my modelling, you can check out my page here: https://www.facebook.com/TwiggyAlternativeModelPinUp
*Have a nice day*
Cyanide
