curss

To whoever actually reads this

Since I've gotten to know some of you from this site and spoken in privateyou've been very candid about the problems in your livesproblems that affect you on a daily basisso I thought it only fair that I tell you about my biggest problemsomething I really don't like to mention to too many peoplemostly out of embarrassmentI'm a drunkI have a serious drinking problemnow I know some people think-"Yeah cool, drunks are funnydrunks are partiersbut that's not what real problem drinkers arenow it's not the atypical sneaking drinks throughout the day8 martini lunch that you see portrayed on lame after school specials or cheap dramasfor me it's worsebecause I always manage to think I've taken control over itand that's when I fuck upI fight the urges everyday to just drink myself into a stupordrink until I can't seeuntil I can't standuntil I can't feeluntil I can't rememberand then I'd just keep drinkingI'm not really sure what makes me want to get so numb and out of controlI'm not sure I'm that insightfuland I know the easy answer is "just don't start" and I've tried that tooI've gone years without having a dropbut then I start to thinkit's been so longthat one beer won't hurtbut it almost never ends at onein my "social scenes" drinking is a huge part of itwhere it used to be going out and getting wasted with friends at showsit's now become just having casual drinks and catching up on each others livesbut the booze is always thereand when I went dry in the pastI found that the "friends" that I had weren't comfortable getting drunk around me and I slowly stopped getting invited outyeah I know-nice friendsthe biggest problem is that I want to control it sooooooo fuckin badlyI want to be able to go out and have one or two beers and call it a niteand I can usually do this without too much troubleI go for weeks or months nowhaving a friendly drink here and therehangout with a friend for just onesit in the backyard and read and have a cold beerand I go for so long that I guess I get lulled into this false sense that I've managed to hit a level playing fieldthat finally it won't be a problem anymoreso then I relax a bitand have just one morethen anotherand anotherpretty soon it's too late for me to stop myselfonce I've gotten the taste for itand I hit my drinkin strideI'm gonna consume everything I can pour into meand then when I get stupid, insulting, rude, obnoxious, mean, argumentativejust generally miserableand that's when I pick on people, say rotten things to upset or shock people, become overbearing and arrogant, and usuallynine times out of tenhurt the feelings of someone I care aboutthankfully I don't get abusive in any physical form when I'm really goneit's more like Jeykl and HydeI just become the worst person you'd wanna be aroundI've been lucky in the pastmy real old days friends have always forgiven meor known to walk away before the trouble startsbut I hate the fact that these situations ever happened in the first placeand still continue on much smaller scale at this point in my lifeso I continue to keep myself as dry as I canbut it's really fuckin hard for menow I know this pales greatly in comparison to what some of you have had to go through in your livesbut this isn't a contest anyone of us wants to winI just felt it was time that you knew about what fucks with me everyday for the last twenty years or so