curss

I look around me...to my real life friends...to my online friends...to people I interact with daily...and I see everyone in a state of panic...over what?...being alone...nobody I know seems to be cool with just being alone...not having a boyfriend/girlfriend and being happy by themselves...and sadly I have to put myself on this list right now...I used to be the King of spending my time alone and loving it...I got all the things I wanted to do done...I could go anywhere I wanted and not have to report in to anyone...or worry about someone else's feelings...A complete free agent...but now I'm all fucked up inside and I can't get myself straightened out...I think I'm in love with being in love so it feels like there's a huge hole in my life right now...I just want to go back to my old ways...when I was fine when I was single...don't get me wrong...I prefer to have someone I really care about in my life...but I don't like feeling so empty and sad all the time because I have no one at this point in my life...there is a middle ground between dating and single...a place where you can still feel good about yourself without needing someone around you to justify it...a place where girls and guys are just friends...and not potential mates...a place where we can feel complete and calm and sane and happy and content and whole...I'm just not sure I remember where that fine line is...but I think it's time I made an effort to find it again...I don't like being so extreme in my emotions on a daily basis...every week I set some new rules...and break them within days...every week I develop a new crush...only to find that it's not a two-way street...I don't know where all this manic behaviour has come from...I was never like this before...somewhere I set off a series of events that seem to have fucked me up...really deep inside...I think I keep trying to figure out what...maybe I'm not looking hard enough...now I'm not trying to pass any judgement on anyone else who might read this...that's not my place in this world...I only mentioned other people in passing because it's one more thing that makes me sad...I know all these amazing girls...who just really want to be loved and be happy...and I think that they all deserve this...because they're incredibly strong and smart and caring people...but it seems they just get taken for granted by those around them...I don't get it...I really don't...I understood people better when I was younger I think...the older I get the more they just confuse me...so while they go through their troubles...I try to be the best friend to them that I know how to be...and this makes me feel a little bit better about myself...and I hope it helps them out too...so that's all swirling around in my brain...and it's exhausting to be honest...I just wish sometimes I could have a "do-over"...start fresh somewhere brand new...hmmmmmmm...now that's an interesting thought...