cureelise

didn't get to sleep till after 5 am. was missing my grandmother more then ever. it's been almost 4 mons and i feel like i'm starting to forget what she sounded like. my cousin made a video of her cooking a flank steak i think. i miss hearing her call me katie dear and being so happy when we would go down to dinner with her and have a sleep over. she also loved going on outtings or over to my parents for the weekend. she was soooo full of life until she came home from her first hospital stay. then she seemed tired and most of the time she didn't want to wake up and she was waiting to for god to take her. she missed her house and her memory wasn't as good as it use to be. the change in her saddened me a lot. i know that there is no way for anyone to stop a stroke from happening but at times i still blame myself not getting to her house when i was supposed too. i showed up a little late and of course she was still in bed. her aide had already left and i was due in at 9 . i was her care taker for her last mons of life . i came in 15-20 mins late and decided to take a nap until i heard her get up. she finally did and was so glad i was there cause she said she felt terrible . she looked like hell. her skin was all clammy and she wasn't herself. she was going to try to eat but felt like she was going to puke instead. she could barely make it to her room w/o colasping. i called my parents and told them that they reallly needed to get there ASAP cause mom mom wasn't looking too good. they told me to just call the doctor and have a nurse come up, after a couple of mins of pleading with them they finally agreed to come. what they thought might be the flu turned out to be worse. while i was getting ready to leave my dad and i noticed that my grandmother wasn't talking normally and her tongue was swollen. 2 hrs after i left i get the call to get to the emergency room as soon as i can cause mom mom isn't doing good at all and might not make it . shure enough she lived for about a week after having a massive stroke. that was the last time i ever heard my grandmother speak or saw her walk from one room to the other. the rest of my time with her was seeing her in a fucking hospital bed trying to cling to life. i still have these urges to go to her apartment and see if this wasn't just a bad nightmare.
so today i'm in tears and my hubbie is trying to make it through his first fathers day w/o his dad.