Wednesday Nov 19, 2003

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Limbo sucks... It's not as though I don't have friends... It's not as though no one will listen (though I know most people don't really want to listen...)... It's not as though I'm not a worthwhile person...

It's as though I have a lot of friends... It's as though people have expressed that they'll listen... It's as though I am worthwhile...

Logically I understand all of this, and yet, I am not happy... I know that I won't be alone forever. I know that this all will work out. I know that wherever I end up, I had to be right here, right now... I just don't know if I'm going to end up in hell... I don't know what will happen, and I'm scared... I don't know what to do... I just walk through life, half numb, have sad... And everyone cares, but no one really does... They all know what I'm going through, but they don't. I'm just another boy, feeling sad. I'm not me. No one really cares; they're just all playing the role of the considerate friend. Life's an act. And I don't like always being in a play. I want to live...

God damn it.

I'm confused, and I don't like it.
mei:
of course, i can't say anything but "i almost understand."

i too feel like logically, i can't be alone forever, but like that must be how it's going to be, emotionally.

and don't be too down on the "sympathetic friends." it's a hard place to be, caring but not knowing what to say, having to slip into a pre-defined role because there's no clear way to help. not that it doesn't suck, just that it kind of sucks from all sides.

and my life has been non-stop excitement too, just internal-turmoil excitement. and the kind that it doesn't do much good to talk about on the site.

grr.
fictionmusic:
If by signature tele you mean a reissue then that is what she is (you are not on crack!). I believe its a James Burton model, although its got Lace Sensors instead of the original single coils. A beauty to listen to but a wee bit hard on the fingers.
After reading your journal I have some small advice: I think everyone goes through similar things where they feel alone. I know for me when I was growing up no-one liked the music I liked, my family wasn't in to me being a musician, and the music I heard naturally in my head was reviled by the few people I shared it with. Fuck'em all. I guess my point is whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger and that real wisdom is hard earned. I had music to turn to (that and a shit-load of drugs) do you?

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