Good evening my friends,
I have suddely been come over by the Self doubts.
I had a great time this last weekend with my friends at the Saddle Rack. But I keep wondering if it was......
Well................Forced fun..............by me.
I danced with all of my friends for MOST of the night there. but i never ONCE asked someone to "dance WITH ME"
on a slow song. They were all fast group dances.
(ie. ME dancing with 3 to 7 women, all of us dancing with each other.)
The thing IS I am VERY self consous. I am a very shy person when you come right down to it. If I KNOW you and know you WELL that is another thing ENTIRELY. I am JUST how I seem to OTHERS. CONFIDENT, sure of myself and my place among them. ( ALTHO I am NOT so sure on the INSIDE. ) The Girls that I was dancing with the other night are a perfect example. I have KNOWN MOST of them for around 6 to 8 years (OR MORE) and I STILL was to timmid to even ask ONE to dance with me for a slow song. all because I have this stigma in my brain about NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH to be seen dancing with the likes of THEM. now I KNOW that this is foolish of me but thats how it IS with me.
I am intimadated by people that I "deam to be better then me" for one reason or another. I HAVE been ALL my life. I do FAKE it well. There are people ( MOSTLY my parents friends ) that I have known for YEARS. That if I saw them in an everyday thing like shopping I might not even say a WORD to because I am so nervious about it. ( PUBLIC SPEAKING IS NOT one of my strong suits. ;-) )
In fact there is a friend of the family that is a JUDGE that I am suposed to be talking to about my pending Divorce that I have preaty much gone OUT OF MY WAY to NOT talk to, because I fear what he is going to say to me.
I WISH I could break out of this cycle of self doubt and self loathing. but I have no idea HOW to do it.
I know that admitting that I have a problem is the FIRST step. but WHERE do I GO from HERE? ? ? ? ?
I HAD to get this out. To try to show you the REAL me.
Sorry if I have disapointed you.
Crym
ps. I am STILL trying to mess with the pictures that I want to add to here so you cna accually SEE what I look like.
But untill then please feel free to go to my myspace page.
www.myspace.com/taztony67
I have suddely been come over by the Self doubts.
I had a great time this last weekend with my friends at the Saddle Rack. But I keep wondering if it was......
Well................Forced fun..............by me.
I danced with all of my friends for MOST of the night there. but i never ONCE asked someone to "dance WITH ME"
on a slow song. They were all fast group dances.
(ie. ME dancing with 3 to 7 women, all of us dancing with each other.)
The thing IS I am VERY self consous. I am a very shy person when you come right down to it. If I KNOW you and know you WELL that is another thing ENTIRELY. I am JUST how I seem to OTHERS. CONFIDENT, sure of myself and my place among them. ( ALTHO I am NOT so sure on the INSIDE. ) The Girls that I was dancing with the other night are a perfect example. I have KNOWN MOST of them for around 6 to 8 years (OR MORE) and I STILL was to timmid to even ask ONE to dance with me for a slow song. all because I have this stigma in my brain about NOT BEING GOOD ENOUGH to be seen dancing with the likes of THEM. now I KNOW that this is foolish of me but thats how it IS with me.
I am intimadated by people that I "deam to be better then me" for one reason or another. I HAVE been ALL my life. I do FAKE it well. There are people ( MOSTLY my parents friends ) that I have known for YEARS. That if I saw them in an everyday thing like shopping I might not even say a WORD to because I am so nervious about it. ( PUBLIC SPEAKING IS NOT one of my strong suits. ;-) )
In fact there is a friend of the family that is a JUDGE that I am suposed to be talking to about my pending Divorce that I have preaty much gone OUT OF MY WAY to NOT talk to, because I fear what he is going to say to me.
I WISH I could break out of this cycle of self doubt and self loathing. but I have no idea HOW to do it.
I know that admitting that I have a problem is the FIRST step. but WHERE do I GO from HERE? ? ? ? ?
I HAD to get this out. To try to show you the REAL me.
Sorry if I have disapointed you.
Crym
ps. I am STILL trying to mess with the pictures that I want to add to here so you cna accually SEE what I look like.
But untill then please feel free to go to my myspace page.
www.myspace.com/taztony67