crippledmcgimp

I need a new job...

Telemarketing is killing my soul... I'm so sick of being nice to people who would punch me in the face if they had the chance. I wish I could tell people when they're rude to me that their address is right in front of me, and since I mainly call locally, I could easily make the drive to beat their asses... Seriously, next time you get a telemarketer, be nice. They arent calling because they like to. You are talking to a real person with feelings and cares and a life... they just have a shitty job.

You'd think that one would learn to let the words roll off without doing any damage, and certainly anyone who does it for any length of time does, but not me... On my drive home I think of the woman I spoke to, and how I accidentally asked for her husband who has been in the ground for 5 years, and how she cursed me and wished me dead for opening that wound... I think about the guy who chewed me out for doing a job that takes advantage of charities more than it helps them, and how fucking right he is... Most of all I think about how with each call, I dont think about these people as people, but as checkbooks who, if I play my cards right, might just give me $25 for their local firefighters... Thats $4.50 for me, $7.50 for the firefighters, and $13 for the slimy fuckers I work for.

I'm not an angry or violent person, but in the last few weeks I can't count the number of times I've wanted to yell at people I care about or destroy something I treasure. And when Im not angry, I feel the saddest Ive been since high school. Every aspect of my life stings lately. Maybe I was stupid to stay in Portland for the summer (although I know Id feel just as shitty and down and useless in Waterville, but only with slightly less responsibility)

Im so sick of crying. Im starting to get used to that cloudy vision that comes when youre fighting back tears and you dont dare blink because if you do theyll roll down your face and everyone will know how sad and pathetic you are. I cried in front of my roommate the other day, and of all the people in my life right now shes the person I least mind crying in front of, but I was still fighting it. And the hug she gave me made it sting more, because I shouldnt need people to support me when Im dealing with my own problems. I shouldnt need hugs, or helping hands, or any of that bullshit. If I cant help myself, then I sure as fuck cant help others, which makes me 100% useless.

but I do need hugs. Its amazing how something so simple and useless can make such a difference. That may seem like a really lame realization, but thats all I got. Ive tried so fucking hard to be strong and help the people I care about when they feel shitty, but at the same time Im not willing to let people help me when Im in that situation. I shouldnt strive to be so emotionally numb. Ive tried so hard to not let all the little shitty things get to me, whether thats school or social interaction or my bum ankle or anything else Im sick of holding all that shit back. Im going to let it run through me for a while

Its 11:40 AM and I havent slept yet bit too late to start I guess. Im going to shower and then go get coffee. CBD has a Dark Grande with my name on it. I feel good getting all this shit out, even though no one will probably read it.

My list of shit to do: Get a new job that doesnt suck quite as badly Make one or two friends that arent couples (thats all I have right now, and its irritating as shit when every friend of mine is part of a package deal) Thirdly, and most importantly, chill the fuck out. I feel like Im about to lose my mind, and thats got to go.



Chin up. Feet together... Dont fuck this up.