BEWARE: Ramblings of a Social Cripple
I envy the outgoing and emotionally strong, because being shy and coupling that with severe anxiety can be crippling.
Regardless of the fact that I was a bit apprehensive about going out, I was completely psyched. I was hoping that I was going to finally meet some people I've been talking with for quite awhile. But I was also lookin' to hopefully meet some new people. I'm just lookin' to get out of my apt. I hate feeling like I'm hiding from the world, but between not knowing where to go and not knowing anyone its just easier to hide out.
Before work yesterday I mapquested the driving directions to the Hi-Lo. I figured that I was definetely going to head out. So after work, I rushed home and grabbed dinner on the way. After I ate I jumped in the shower and was ready to go around 9:45. And I was even convinced into wearing my SG shirt, since I'd be driving an approx. 2 hours to meet up with everyone. We figured it be the best way to grab their attention. But I ended up wasting a 1/2 an hour in OKC trying to get to the club, mapquest suggested the wrong exit... Why in the hell would I exit at 149B?!?!? But I managed to gather my bearings and figured out where the club should be hiding. And to my surprise I actually managed to find it, what a bright fuckin' sign...
Anyway, I was feelin' pretty damn good & excited. As I walked up the walk to get to the door, I could've sworn I saw a familiar face chillin' outside. But couldn't bring myself to say anything, I just wasn't positive I guess. So I continued on inside, paid the cover, and tried to see if I recognized anyone. And when I didn't immediately see anyone my body started to panic. I was all alone in an extremely crowded room, I couldn't pull myself together enough to remember faces, names, etc... So I ordered a rum & coke, I hoped it might help. And if nothing else it was an excuse to stay a little longer. But it wasn't enough, I stayed long enough to finish my drink and I turned tail and ran like a bitch with a skinned knee.
While I was driving home, I was on the verge of tears because I couldn't believe what a fuckin' baby I was. I drove all that way, to simply run away. And because I had pretty much become an emotional wreck, I started to get really self-loathing. I let my guard down and I let myself have it... And this was when my night went from fucked to I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!! I accidentaly got off of the expressway and because I wasn't thinking straight I couldn't find my way back. The worse part is, I was literally 10 min. away from my apt. But because I didn't know the back roads of Jenks and couldn't get my bearings I drove around for an hour trying to find some sign of recognition. How can anyone be so damn pathetic... But I finally found my way to the turnpike and as soon as I got home I crawled into to bed, tears streaming down my face, and I was emotionally drained.
I called Beth to let her know I had finally made it home and because I was in such a bad place she wanted me to talk for a little while, hoping to calm me down. Meanwhile I'm now worried that she wont be able to get back to sleep for work in the morning. But once I was able to gather some composure, she finally agreed that she needed to get back to sleep. I finally got to sleep, but it wasn't a positive sleep in the least.
I woke up this morning and I am still so emotionally drained. I dont have the urge to do anything, and quite honestly I dont think I could do much of anything today. But as much as I'd like to meet people, I dont think I could put myself through that kind of torture again. Atleast not like that, not alone. And the best part of it, as I'm looking back on last night I'm pretty sure I saw Linz. But the worst is that Beth called me this morning on her way to work, because of me she over slept and was going to be late. I love her so much, but I'm not worth being late to work.
Last night was one of the hardest things I've done in awhile and I'm not sure if I could bring myself to do it again... I turned something that could've been great, into my own personal nightmare... I am so fucking pathetic...
I envy the outgoing and emotionally strong, because being shy and coupling that with severe anxiety can be crippling.
Regardless of the fact that I was a bit apprehensive about going out, I was completely psyched. I was hoping that I was going to finally meet some people I've been talking with for quite awhile. But I was also lookin' to hopefully meet some new people. I'm just lookin' to get out of my apt. I hate feeling like I'm hiding from the world, but between not knowing where to go and not knowing anyone its just easier to hide out.
Before work yesterday I mapquested the driving directions to the Hi-Lo. I figured that I was definetely going to head out. So after work, I rushed home and grabbed dinner on the way. After I ate I jumped in the shower and was ready to go around 9:45. And I was even convinced into wearing my SG shirt, since I'd be driving an approx. 2 hours to meet up with everyone. We figured it be the best way to grab their attention. But I ended up wasting a 1/2 an hour in OKC trying to get to the club, mapquest suggested the wrong exit... Why in the hell would I exit at 149B?!?!? But I managed to gather my bearings and figured out where the club should be hiding. And to my surprise I actually managed to find it, what a bright fuckin' sign...
Anyway, I was feelin' pretty damn good & excited. As I walked up the walk to get to the door, I could've sworn I saw a familiar face chillin' outside. But couldn't bring myself to say anything, I just wasn't positive I guess. So I continued on inside, paid the cover, and tried to see if I recognized anyone. And when I didn't immediately see anyone my body started to panic. I was all alone in an extremely crowded room, I couldn't pull myself together enough to remember faces, names, etc... So I ordered a rum & coke, I hoped it might help. And if nothing else it was an excuse to stay a little longer. But it wasn't enough, I stayed long enough to finish my drink and I turned tail and ran like a bitch with a skinned knee.
While I was driving home, I was on the verge of tears because I couldn't believe what a fuckin' baby I was. I drove all that way, to simply run away. And because I had pretty much become an emotional wreck, I started to get really self-loathing. I let my guard down and I let myself have it... And this was when my night went from fucked to I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!! I accidentaly got off of the expressway and because I wasn't thinking straight I couldn't find my way back. The worse part is, I was literally 10 min. away from my apt. But because I didn't know the back roads of Jenks and couldn't get my bearings I drove around for an hour trying to find some sign of recognition. How can anyone be so damn pathetic... But I finally found my way to the turnpike and as soon as I got home I crawled into to bed, tears streaming down my face, and I was emotionally drained.
I called Beth to let her know I had finally made it home and because I was in such a bad place she wanted me to talk for a little while, hoping to calm me down. Meanwhile I'm now worried that she wont be able to get back to sleep for work in the morning. But once I was able to gather some composure, she finally agreed that she needed to get back to sleep. I finally got to sleep, but it wasn't a positive sleep in the least.
I woke up this morning and I am still so emotionally drained. I dont have the urge to do anything, and quite honestly I dont think I could do much of anything today. But as much as I'd like to meet people, I dont think I could put myself through that kind of torture again. Atleast not like that, not alone. And the best part of it, as I'm looking back on last night I'm pretty sure I saw Linz. But the worst is that Beth called me this morning on her way to work, because of me she over slept and was going to be late. I love her so much, but I'm not worth being late to work.
Last night was one of the hardest things I've done in awhile and I'm not sure if I could bring myself to do it again... I turned something that could've been great, into my own personal nightmare... I am so fucking pathetic...
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
I got another OD charge. It pisses me off cuz it was for gas I got like two weeks ago!! I used my card and expected it to come out instantly. guess not. all of this happened because I forgot to write ONE thing down. that's now 5 OD charges in the last two weeks. at $30 a charge. god damn.
that goes for me too...when people ask "just how many piercings I have". and then I say 15 and then of course they always want to know WHAT..cuz I have no facial piercings(yet/anymore) so..LOL. yeah it gets them courious for sure.
thanks. I'm glad I can vent and talk to my friends! this weekend I'll forget about my money troubles for a while and have fun. so that will be nice!