Do you ever think you've gotten through something and your done with something and you don't have to think about it or worry about it anymore?
Then that sneaking feeling comes up and those little red flags sneak into view and your not so sure anymore. So you look. And your sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach was right.
I hate that. It's like a punch to the stomach. It makes me want to throw up.
Especially when everything was black and white and you know it can't not be what it looks like.
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I hate that my current job and schedule is inflexible. It puts a huge time/space rift between E and I.
When were together it's great.
When were not I feel unbalanced and lonely and every once in a while I wonder if he's found someone more interesting to talk to since I'm to busy at work to answer his texts.
Sometimes he does.
I understand he gets bored. I understand old habits are hard to break. I understand he doesn't want to touch and hold and make love to those girls..... except maybe just once.
I understand he's a guy and guys get horny frequently and at inconvenient times.
I just hate i'm not ever there. Except when it's late and he's tired and most of his creativity is wasted on them.
I just want to be available to be his only one. I know it's too much to ask to be his only play toy and the only one who gets him off when I'm never around when I'm needed. I just want to be the only one anyways.
I don't want him to have another little girl or slave. Not even a make believe one who he doesn't know what she looks like.
I want to be the only one he shares his play time and his devotion inspiring domination with.
I try so hard to be free from any kind of flirtations or dalliances. mental, physical or visual. I don't even look at other boys. I do everything I can to make him happy. Even things I don't like that hurt me.
Still he doesn't seem bothered by the double standard.
What hurts worse is... that's where we fell together. Over texts and IM.
That's our line of connection and he makes it dirty and unimportant by using it to get other girls to fall for him and get turned on by his words and insinuations.
I don't know what to do anymore..... he promised. He broke his promise. It still makes me want to throw up even though he says they don't matter to him.
Then that sneaking feeling comes up and those little red flags sneak into view and your not so sure anymore. So you look. And your sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach was right.
I hate that. It's like a punch to the stomach. It makes me want to throw up.
Especially when everything was black and white and you know it can't not be what it looks like.
_____________________________________________________________
I hate that my current job and schedule is inflexible. It puts a huge time/space rift between E and I.
When were together it's great.
When were not I feel unbalanced and lonely and every once in a while I wonder if he's found someone more interesting to talk to since I'm to busy at work to answer his texts.
Sometimes he does.
I understand he gets bored. I understand old habits are hard to break. I understand he doesn't want to touch and hold and make love to those girls..... except maybe just once.
I understand he's a guy and guys get horny frequently and at inconvenient times.
I just hate i'm not ever there. Except when it's late and he's tired and most of his creativity is wasted on them.
I just want to be available to be his only one. I know it's too much to ask to be his only play toy and the only one who gets him off when I'm never around when I'm needed. I just want to be the only one anyways.
I don't want him to have another little girl or slave. Not even a make believe one who he doesn't know what she looks like.
I want to be the only one he shares his play time and his devotion inspiring domination with.
I try so hard to be free from any kind of flirtations or dalliances. mental, physical or visual. I don't even look at other boys. I do everything I can to make him happy. Even things I don't like that hurt me.
Still he doesn't seem bothered by the double standard.
What hurts worse is... that's where we fell together. Over texts and IM.
That's our line of connection and he makes it dirty and unimportant by using it to get other girls to fall for him and get turned on by his words and insinuations.
I don't know what to do anymore..... he promised. He broke his promise. It still makes me want to throw up even though he says they don't matter to him.