creamygoodness

So, for my first journal entry, I was planning to wax lyrical on the male orgasm. Not the usual kind of first entry, I'm sure, but hey, I wanted to make a splash *rimshot*

However, after today's events, I felt I just had to write about them instead. As about 4 or 5 of you may know, I'm a librarian. After working just on saturdays for about 4 years (long story, basically saturdays were the only day that'd fit into my schedule) I recently got promoted, so I'm working more hours, for better pay, at a new library branch.

So I was told on wednesday that today I'd be doing a corporate induction course for London Borough of Merton all day. Just to clarify, the borough that I've lived in for over a decade and worked for for more than 4 years, has just decided I need a corporate induction course to welcome me into the borough.

Riiiiiight.

Still, it's a free lunch and an easy day, and I'm paid for it, so it's all good, right? What follows is a stream of conciousness kind of deal, I remembere what Iw as thinking because I knew I ha to write about them.

I get there this morning, and it's not long before I start wondering whether all this is worth a free lunch. It started out innocently enough, with the terribly earnest, terribly friendly Anna, who I'm sure is a lovely, lovely person, but goddammit, I got 4 hours sleep last night and this kind of unrelenting cheery helpfulness this early in the morning just makes me surly and sarcastic.

Ok, next up, some guy called Richard giving us our second 'Welcome to Morden' speech, couched in all the right PC corporate doublespeak gobbledygook. Christ, this is going to be one long-ass day...

Things are taking a definite downturn. We're now being told how Merton is being continually harangued by the Government by a man who looks like he's going to pull out a hipflask, take a big slug, and tell us about how all those Whitehall bastards have got it in for him. He's already said 'bugger', 'crap' and 'bloody' (twice)...

Great googa-mooga, I feel like I've fallen into a Dilbert cartoon and I can't get out. We're now being lectured by the Health and Safety Officer, who quite obviously feels like all the other Council Departments mock her behind her back and she so desperately wants to be taken seriously. An actual quote "So if you do something like trip over in the parking lot, then it's really important that you submit a report to your line manager. Oh sure, it's possible the ground was completely flat and you just tripped over you own feet, but if the ground was uneven, or maybe if the lighting wasn't good enough, then we really have to get on that straight away to see what we can do about it before the bodies start piling up."

It was at this point that it was only the desire to remain in employment that stopped me from asking "Do I have to fill out an accident report sheet if I BEAT MYSELF TO FUCKING DEATH WITH YOUR CLIPBOARD to escape from this soul-atrophying nightmare?"

Things just got better from there. They wanted to take us on a bus tour of the borough. The borough where I've been living for 10 goddamne years. However, the first bus broke down. Then the second bus was too small to fit everyone in. Then the second bus broke down. Then we were too late to fit in the tour. Then I said fuck it and snuck off home for about an hour where I desperately tried to inject some life back into myself by indulging in the lovliness that is the second half of Veronica and Rose's set...

I should have stayed at home. I'm at a question and answer session with a trade union representative and two people from various parts of the council. They both want to strangle the trade unions rep and dissolve his body in acid because he keeps undermining them with rather cutting remarks, but they're hiding it behind huge, fake 'we're all friends here' smiles. One of them's gone awfully quiet. I wonder if I should take away his ballpoint for his own protection...

At last! A sane person! I wonder why they left him till last. Finally someone who realises just how ridiculous this whole thing is. He's supposed to be giving us a quiz on the borough, to see how much we know about it. For God's sakes, why the hell are they asking us which Council department received 30% of it's budget last year? I'M A THRICE-DAMNED LIBRARIAN! Still, at least he does acknowledge how bloody dumb the whole thing is, even if he does ask the questions anyway.

Hmmm, an evaluation form for the course. Well, I've got to say it was good after all, I mean Christ, these things aren't even anonymous, you're supposed to fill out your names. I can't go telling them what I really think now, can I?...