Creamy's Fun with Telemarketers, Part 2:
As you may or may not recall, a little while back I seem to have inadvertently scared off a telemarketer with my choice of hold music. Naturally, this distressed me greatly, so I was waiting eagerly for my chance to amend for my mistakes. And surely enough, today provided them with not one, not two, but three seperate calls from telemarketers and people wanting to conduct surveys. Well naturally I was thrilled at the chance to make new friends and learn about some exciting new deals!
Telemarketer Number 1:
The first one called fairly early this morning, now I don't know about you but I'm not a morning person, in fact I'm not at my best till at least 11am, so when this charming young lady called today I needed a minute to compose myself so that I could devote my full attention to the exciting news about my power supplier. For that reason I decided to put the lady on hold with a brief excerpt of 'Bitter And Then Some' by Converge whislt I picked lint out of my bellybutton. Now I don't know if you've heard any Converge before, so let me give you some idea what they sound like. Back in olden times there were no real surgeons and definitly no anasthetics, so if someone needed, say, a leg amputated, they would get smashed on whisky, then a man with grubby hands and lots of sawdust on the floor would hack away at his leg with a hacksaw for a couple of minutes and then pour boiling pitch over the stump. Converge sounds like someone put a microphone up to the poor bugger having a limb lopped off and then set it to very loud guitar riffing. After abuot a minute of that I felt fully capable of answering her questions in a helpful and direct manner, so I picked the phone abck up only to find they'd hung up! Tragedy of tragedies! Oh well, better luck next time.
Telemarketer Number 2:
I think where I went wrong last time was that perhaps Converge was a little too intense for some people. It was for that reason that I decided to tone things down a bit for the second call, a nice man wanting to tell me about insurance. Not only that, but I decided some of our very own homegrown talent needed some airing, so when I went to have a quick wee, I put on that heart-rending ballad by our very own TheNonStopDancer, "I'm All The Day With My Cock Up", a song that speaks to us passionately of social unease, the difficulties of speaking English as a second language, and having a really, really big stiffie. After I'd emptied my bladder, I came back down and found to my delight that the nice young man was still on the other end of the line! Success! Naturally I was quite excited to speak to him but he seemed rather puzzled by the short musical interlude.
"Ok, sorry about that, I'm back."
"What was that?"
"What was what?"
"That noise, were they singing about cocks?"
"Oh, you mean this?"
And I put the phone up to the speakers for another rendition. Obviously people today have no patience or appreciation for the arts, no sooner did I pick it up again than he'd hung up.
Telemarketer Number 3:
I finally decided to bite the bullet for the third one and skip the musical number. Evidently these poor, hard-working epople just didn't have the time to appreciate music, what with their hectic schedules and sales targets. So when anotehr young woman called to ask me to complete a survey (and no obligation to buy anything! What generous fellows!) I decided to just speak face-to-face. Besides, I wasn't at my computer so couldn't get to my .mp3s
"Why of course, I'd be happy to answer your questions! But first of all I just ahve one favour to ask."
"Um, what's that?"
"Well I need you to tell em what kind of underwear you're wearing."
"I beg your pardon?"
"I want to know what kind of underwear you've got on. You know, barssieres, panties, g-strings, thongs, is it lacy? What colour is it? C'mon, give a little, get a little. I'm giving you valuable customer buying habits and demographical information here so I hardly think it's unreasonable for me to ask something in return, so tell you what, you tell me what kind of undies you've got on and I'll be extra-cooperative if it's something slutty."
*click*
"Hello? Hello? Anyone there? Is that a no then?"
As you may or may not recall, a little while back I seem to have inadvertently scared off a telemarketer with my choice of hold music. Naturally, this distressed me greatly, so I was waiting eagerly for my chance to amend for my mistakes. And surely enough, today provided them with not one, not two, but three seperate calls from telemarketers and people wanting to conduct surveys. Well naturally I was thrilled at the chance to make new friends and learn about some exciting new deals!
Telemarketer Number 1:
The first one called fairly early this morning, now I don't know about you but I'm not a morning person, in fact I'm not at my best till at least 11am, so when this charming young lady called today I needed a minute to compose myself so that I could devote my full attention to the exciting news about my power supplier. For that reason I decided to put the lady on hold with a brief excerpt of 'Bitter And Then Some' by Converge whislt I picked lint out of my bellybutton. Now I don't know if you've heard any Converge before, so let me give you some idea what they sound like. Back in olden times there were no real surgeons and definitly no anasthetics, so if someone needed, say, a leg amputated, they would get smashed on whisky, then a man with grubby hands and lots of sawdust on the floor would hack away at his leg with a hacksaw for a couple of minutes and then pour boiling pitch over the stump. Converge sounds like someone put a microphone up to the poor bugger having a limb lopped off and then set it to very loud guitar riffing. After abuot a minute of that I felt fully capable of answering her questions in a helpful and direct manner, so I picked the phone abck up only to find they'd hung up! Tragedy of tragedies! Oh well, better luck next time.
Telemarketer Number 2:
I think where I went wrong last time was that perhaps Converge was a little too intense for some people. It was for that reason that I decided to tone things down a bit for the second call, a nice man wanting to tell me about insurance. Not only that, but I decided some of our very own homegrown talent needed some airing, so when I went to have a quick wee, I put on that heart-rending ballad by our very own TheNonStopDancer, "I'm All The Day With My Cock Up", a song that speaks to us passionately of social unease, the difficulties of speaking English as a second language, and having a really, really big stiffie. After I'd emptied my bladder, I came back down and found to my delight that the nice young man was still on the other end of the line! Success! Naturally I was quite excited to speak to him but he seemed rather puzzled by the short musical interlude.
"Ok, sorry about that, I'm back."
"What was that?"
"What was what?"
"That noise, were they singing about cocks?"
"Oh, you mean this?"
And I put the phone up to the speakers for another rendition. Obviously people today have no patience or appreciation for the arts, no sooner did I pick it up again than he'd hung up.
Telemarketer Number 3:
I finally decided to bite the bullet for the third one and skip the musical number. Evidently these poor, hard-working epople just didn't have the time to appreciate music, what with their hectic schedules and sales targets. So when anotehr young woman called to ask me to complete a survey (and no obligation to buy anything! What generous fellows!) I decided to just speak face-to-face. Besides, I wasn't at my computer so couldn't get to my .mp3s
"Why of course, I'd be happy to answer your questions! But first of all I just ahve one favour to ask."
"Um, what's that?"
"Well I need you to tell em what kind of underwear you're wearing."
"I beg your pardon?"
"I want to know what kind of underwear you've got on. You know, barssieres, panties, g-strings, thongs, is it lacy? What colour is it? C'mon, give a little, get a little. I'm giving you valuable customer buying habits and demographical information here so I hardly think it's unreasonable for me to ask something in return, so tell you what, you tell me what kind of undies you've got on and I'll be extra-cooperative if it's something slutty."
*click*
"Hello? Hello? Anyone there? Is that a no then?"
VIEW 21 of 21 COMMENTS
excellent.
two thumbs up (and a big toe).