DISCLAIMER: Some of these jokes are so 'in', that I think they might actually only be funny to me and TheQuestion but you know what? I don't particularly care.
HOMOCIDEGIRLS
A film by
CreamyGoodness
and
TheQuestion
FADE IN
1. The idyllic Welsh countryside, just before dusk. Evening birdsong can be heard in the background, all is seemingly peaceful. CREAMYGOODNESS, THEQUESTION, JOHNSTITCH, SUPER (wearing a three-piece suit) and AGENTBLACK (wearing only a loincloth and flint knife) are all hiking down an isolated trail, puffing from exertion and chatting idly in snatched breath
CREAMYGOODNESS: Oh man, this walk is killing me, can't we stop for a bit?
SUPER: You think you've got it bad? It's not easy staying deliciously exotic with a 14-pound rucksack on your back. Besides, it was your idea to come out on this hiking trip so we could bond!
JOHNSTITCH laughs very, VERY loudly
JOHNSTITCH: Yeah, you big gay
AGENTBLACK: You are all weak! WEAK! I've climbed the Alps using my bare teeth, this is NOTHING Besides, I want to make it to the hostel in the next town so I can kick back with some raw meat and a pay-per-view movie.
THEQUESTION: Just so long as it's not Empire Records again, my God that film was utter shite
HONEY leaps out from the undergrowth. The roaring fire of sheer rage burns in her eyes. Her hair is matted and her nails bloodied. She is also completely naked. She attacks THEQUESTION with an unbridled fury
HONEY: GGYYAARRRGGHHH!
THEQUESTION: OH MY GOD! DOUBLE-YOO TEE EFF! DOUBLE-YOO TEE EFF! SHE'S TRYING TO EAT MY FACE!
SUPER: Quick Question! Cover her mouth with your hat!
THEQUESTION: NO! It'll get blood on it!
JOHNSTITCH runs in and kicks HONEY in the temple. HONEY snarls and scampers off into the forest. JOHNSTITCH mutters to himself
JOHNSTITCH: No Not again Not here, I thought it was over
CREAMYGOODNESS: What was that? Speak louder you cunt.
JOHNSTITCH: Nothing, we need to get Question to shelter, he's bleeding
AGENTBLACK walks back, during this whole episode he had forged on ahead regardless
AGENTBLACK: What are you doing? I covered 5 miles before I realised you were still behind. There's a farmhouse over there. Come on. And why is Question bleeding? Never let them see you bleed Q, I taught you that. Only the weak bleed.
THEQUESTION: Actually Black, the only thing you taught me is how to use Sun Tzu's Art of War as a dating manual
AGENTBLACK: Shut up. We can make the farmhouse before sundown
2. FARMHOUSE EXTERIOR. It is rundown and decrepit. Crows are circling the house. Vultures. can be heard screaming in the background. A flash of lightning illuminates a sign saying in blood-red script 'FANNY FARM'
SUPER: Well this looks ominous
3. FARMHOUSE INTERIOR. It looks abandoned, as if no-one has been there in years, but articles of fresh clothing are strewn around the rooms. Shadows dart away as the door opens
JOHNSTITCH: Right, everyone look to see if there's a phone here. I don't want to spend any longer here than necessary. My mobile isn't working, but if we can get to a phone I can order my personal helicopter to lift us to the nearest civilisation. As in, not Wales.
AGENTBLACK: We should start using the furniture to build barricades around all feasible entry points and scour the house for improvised weapons. I only have my hand-crafted flint knife and climbing ge-Creamy where did you find that bra? And why are you wearing it?
CREAMYGOODNESS: I just wanted to feel pretty. And it goes with my eyes.
JOHNSTITCH: Yes. Yes it does. Go away now. Go, look for a phone.
ALL CHARACTERS spread into accompanying rooms to search for a phone
SUPER shrieks girlishly. Everyone rushes in to the living room
SUPER: I I found this!
SUPER holds up an arm, it is heavily tattooed
JOHNSTITCH: Oh God I knew it I've seen this before. Everyone... we're dealing with Suicidegirls.
CREAMYGOODNESS: But I thought Suicidegirls were strong, beautiful independent women celebrating a different standard of beauty!
JOHNSTITCH: That's not always the way. There was a time, in Scotland. It's why I left. You see, someone had gathered them together. Worse, they'd gotten hopefuls too, and they didn't feed them. And they were so hungry and so full of rage they went to the bad.
THEQUESTION: Bad? You mean like Portsmouth?
JOHNSTITCH: No. Worse.
CREAMYGOODNESS: Hull?
JOHNSTITCH: Even worse, there's no way to tell you just how bad this is going to get, so I shall have to tell you through the medium of Interpretive Dance
THEQUESTION: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
THEQUESTION collapses into the fetal position on the floor and sobs. SKY suddenly bursts out from behind the sofa and pounces on JOHNSTITCH mid-pirouette, ripping his throat out with her teeth.
AGENTBLACK: BY MJOLNIR, THE HAMMER OF THOR!
FATAL, MISTRESS_PAINE, KIT, DISCOSLEAZE, HONEY, DISCO and the rest of them pour in through the doors and windows, shrieking like a Banshee that's stubbed it's toe on the sofa at 3am
SUPER: Quick, everyone get out! I know how to handle the ladies!
SUPER undoes top 3 buttons of shirt. SMALL MAN CARRYING SAXOPHONE appears and starts playing a porno funk riff.
SUPER: Ever try a Bounty Bar ladies? They're a little taste of paradise.
SUPER struts up to the ladies, snapping his fingers in time to the music. The girls go silent as he struts into their midst, a look of ambiguous lust on their faces.
SUPER: That's right ladies, this is how Type-B's like me impress the girls of Halifax
The girls tear SUPER bodily apart, stopping to lick at the bloodied stumps and chew on the meat
SUPER: Not the face!
THEQUESTION: BY THE BEARD OF ALAN MOORE! Scarper lads!
4. FARMHOUSE EXTERIOR. AGENTBLACK, CREAMYGOODNESS and THEQUESTION run screaming out of the front door.
AGENTBLACK: Wait! What am I doing?! I am the very living embodiement of Apollo! God of the Sun!
CREAMYGOODNESS: You're a bloody Essex ginger nut! LEG IT!
AGENTBLACK: You run mortals. I will stand and fight. Yea verily, for is this not how we meet the very measure of a man? Is this not how we test the very limits of our endurance? It is not until we stand on the very edge, my friends, that we see ourselves reflected across that black abyss.
THEQUESTION: I always thought the measure of a man was the amount of first edition graphic novels he owned.
AGENTBLACK: You two get away. I will defeat them. Though I stand like the brave men at Thermopylae, looking into the face of the thousandfold Persian Empire, I shall emerge victorious. I mean they're only girls. Gentlemen FOR SPARTA!
AGENTBLACK charges into the assembled ranks of the Suicidegirls, their bodies scattering as he lays about them with his fists, it almost seems as if victory is within his ginger grasp when DISCO leaps out from the bedlam and slits his throat with an SG playing card
AGENTBLACK: I am undone
CREAMYGOODNESS: BY ALL THE BOURBON IN TENNESSEE!
CREAMYGOODNESS and THEQUESTION run into the surrounding woods, they eventually collapse against a tree, huffing and puffing.
CREAMYGOODNESS: This looks like the end, man. I can't run anymore
THEQUESTION: You're right man, I can't go on, I just can't do it, all this fucking horror, it's too much.
CREAMYGOODNESS: I guess there's just one thing left to get out of the way. Q, there's something I've got to tell you
THEQUESTION: I think I know what you mean dude, I feel it too. I feel it too.
CREAMYGOODNESS: You mean?
THEQUESTION: Yeah
CREAMYGOODNESS and THEQUESTION together: Isn't Fell just a fucking awesome comic?
CREAMYGOODNESS: Oh man, I've never know another man like you
CREAMYGOODNESS and THEQUESTION start to lean in to kiss, just before they do they hear a beeping sound
THEQUESTION: The phone! I have signal!
CREAMYGOODNESS: What you say?!
THEQUESTION: I can call Johnstitch's helicopter! We can get out! But I just need the time
The girls can be heard shrieking 'WAS IT THE LIGHTING?!' in the background
CREAMYGOODNESS: You You go man I'll buy you the time. Make it back to the Nerdcave. And when you do my comic books they're yours.
THEQUESTION has tears in his eyes
THEQUESTION: Ok man I love you My hat Keep it for luck
THEQUESTION hands CREAMYGOODNESS his hat and runs off into the distance. CREAMYGOODNESS hums reflectively to himself and draws two massive carving knives from his back pocket. The girls all run into view
CREAMYGOODNESS: Ok ladies who wants to be archived?
CREAMYGOODNESS leaps into the fray, knives flashing. CUT TO: THEQUESTION boarding a helicopter marked 'ROFLCOPTER' on the side. He looks back sadly as he hears mangled screams of 'WE WISH HONEY ALL THE BEST IN HER FUTURE ENDEAVOURS!' and 'VOTE FOR MY SET ON SECOND CHANCE SUNDAY LOL!'
5. THE SHIP. THEQUESTION sits at the bar reflectively, nursing a gin and tonic. He looks up at the clock and sighs sadly. CREAMYGOODNESS staggers in, coated in dried blood, his clothing torn, his knives nicked and broken. He drops THEQUESTIONS bloodied hat on the bar in front of him.
CREAMYGOODNESS: Jack and Coke. No questions.
HOMOCIDEGIRLS
A film by
CreamyGoodness
and
TheQuestion
FADE IN
1. The idyllic Welsh countryside, just before dusk. Evening birdsong can be heard in the background, all is seemingly peaceful. CREAMYGOODNESS, THEQUESTION, JOHNSTITCH, SUPER (wearing a three-piece suit) and AGENTBLACK (wearing only a loincloth and flint knife) are all hiking down an isolated trail, puffing from exertion and chatting idly in snatched breath
CREAMYGOODNESS: Oh man, this walk is killing me, can't we stop for a bit?
SUPER: You think you've got it bad? It's not easy staying deliciously exotic with a 14-pound rucksack on your back. Besides, it was your idea to come out on this hiking trip so we could bond!
JOHNSTITCH laughs very, VERY loudly
JOHNSTITCH: Yeah, you big gay
AGENTBLACK: You are all weak! WEAK! I've climbed the Alps using my bare teeth, this is NOTHING Besides, I want to make it to the hostel in the next town so I can kick back with some raw meat and a pay-per-view movie.
THEQUESTION: Just so long as it's not Empire Records again, my God that film was utter shite
HONEY leaps out from the undergrowth. The roaring fire of sheer rage burns in her eyes. Her hair is matted and her nails bloodied. She is also completely naked. She attacks THEQUESTION with an unbridled fury
HONEY: GGYYAARRRGGHHH!
THEQUESTION: OH MY GOD! DOUBLE-YOO TEE EFF! DOUBLE-YOO TEE EFF! SHE'S TRYING TO EAT MY FACE!
SUPER: Quick Question! Cover her mouth with your hat!
THEQUESTION: NO! It'll get blood on it!
JOHNSTITCH runs in and kicks HONEY in the temple. HONEY snarls and scampers off into the forest. JOHNSTITCH mutters to himself
JOHNSTITCH: No Not again Not here, I thought it was over
CREAMYGOODNESS: What was that? Speak louder you cunt.
JOHNSTITCH: Nothing, we need to get Question to shelter, he's bleeding
AGENTBLACK walks back, during this whole episode he had forged on ahead regardless
AGENTBLACK: What are you doing? I covered 5 miles before I realised you were still behind. There's a farmhouse over there. Come on. And why is Question bleeding? Never let them see you bleed Q, I taught you that. Only the weak bleed.
THEQUESTION: Actually Black, the only thing you taught me is how to use Sun Tzu's Art of War as a dating manual
AGENTBLACK: Shut up. We can make the farmhouse before sundown
2. FARMHOUSE EXTERIOR. It is rundown and decrepit. Crows are circling the house. Vultures. can be heard screaming in the background. A flash of lightning illuminates a sign saying in blood-red script 'FANNY FARM'
SUPER: Well this looks ominous
3. FARMHOUSE INTERIOR. It looks abandoned, as if no-one has been there in years, but articles of fresh clothing are strewn around the rooms. Shadows dart away as the door opens
JOHNSTITCH: Right, everyone look to see if there's a phone here. I don't want to spend any longer here than necessary. My mobile isn't working, but if we can get to a phone I can order my personal helicopter to lift us to the nearest civilisation. As in, not Wales.
AGENTBLACK: We should start using the furniture to build barricades around all feasible entry points and scour the house for improvised weapons. I only have my hand-crafted flint knife and climbing ge-Creamy where did you find that bra? And why are you wearing it?
CREAMYGOODNESS: I just wanted to feel pretty. And it goes with my eyes.
JOHNSTITCH: Yes. Yes it does. Go away now. Go, look for a phone.
ALL CHARACTERS spread into accompanying rooms to search for a phone
SUPER shrieks girlishly. Everyone rushes in to the living room
SUPER: I I found this!
SUPER holds up an arm, it is heavily tattooed
JOHNSTITCH: Oh God I knew it I've seen this before. Everyone... we're dealing with Suicidegirls.
CREAMYGOODNESS: But I thought Suicidegirls were strong, beautiful independent women celebrating a different standard of beauty!
JOHNSTITCH: That's not always the way. There was a time, in Scotland. It's why I left. You see, someone had gathered them together. Worse, they'd gotten hopefuls too, and they didn't feed them. And they were so hungry and so full of rage they went to the bad.
THEQUESTION: Bad? You mean like Portsmouth?
JOHNSTITCH: No. Worse.
CREAMYGOODNESS: Hull?
JOHNSTITCH: Even worse, there's no way to tell you just how bad this is going to get, so I shall have to tell you through the medium of Interpretive Dance
THEQUESTION: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
THEQUESTION collapses into the fetal position on the floor and sobs. SKY suddenly bursts out from behind the sofa and pounces on JOHNSTITCH mid-pirouette, ripping his throat out with her teeth.
AGENTBLACK: BY MJOLNIR, THE HAMMER OF THOR!
FATAL, MISTRESS_PAINE, KIT, DISCOSLEAZE, HONEY, DISCO and the rest of them pour in through the doors and windows, shrieking like a Banshee that's stubbed it's toe on the sofa at 3am
SUPER: Quick, everyone get out! I know how to handle the ladies!
SUPER undoes top 3 buttons of shirt. SMALL MAN CARRYING SAXOPHONE appears and starts playing a porno funk riff.
SUPER: Ever try a Bounty Bar ladies? They're a little taste of paradise.
SUPER struts up to the ladies, snapping his fingers in time to the music. The girls go silent as he struts into their midst, a look of ambiguous lust on their faces.
SUPER: That's right ladies, this is how Type-B's like me impress the girls of Halifax
The girls tear SUPER bodily apart, stopping to lick at the bloodied stumps and chew on the meat
SUPER: Not the face!
THEQUESTION: BY THE BEARD OF ALAN MOORE! Scarper lads!
4. FARMHOUSE EXTERIOR. AGENTBLACK, CREAMYGOODNESS and THEQUESTION run screaming out of the front door.
AGENTBLACK: Wait! What am I doing?! I am the very living embodiement of Apollo! God of the Sun!
CREAMYGOODNESS: You're a bloody Essex ginger nut! LEG IT!
AGENTBLACK: You run mortals. I will stand and fight. Yea verily, for is this not how we meet the very measure of a man? Is this not how we test the very limits of our endurance? It is not until we stand on the very edge, my friends, that we see ourselves reflected across that black abyss.
THEQUESTION: I always thought the measure of a man was the amount of first edition graphic novels he owned.
AGENTBLACK: You two get away. I will defeat them. Though I stand like the brave men at Thermopylae, looking into the face of the thousandfold Persian Empire, I shall emerge victorious. I mean they're only girls. Gentlemen FOR SPARTA!
AGENTBLACK charges into the assembled ranks of the Suicidegirls, their bodies scattering as he lays about them with his fists, it almost seems as if victory is within his ginger grasp when DISCO leaps out from the bedlam and slits his throat with an SG playing card
AGENTBLACK: I am undone
CREAMYGOODNESS: BY ALL THE BOURBON IN TENNESSEE!
CREAMYGOODNESS and THEQUESTION run into the surrounding woods, they eventually collapse against a tree, huffing and puffing.
CREAMYGOODNESS: This looks like the end, man. I can't run anymore
THEQUESTION: You're right man, I can't go on, I just can't do it, all this fucking horror, it's too much.
CREAMYGOODNESS: I guess there's just one thing left to get out of the way. Q, there's something I've got to tell you
THEQUESTION: I think I know what you mean dude, I feel it too. I feel it too.
CREAMYGOODNESS: You mean?
THEQUESTION: Yeah
CREAMYGOODNESS and THEQUESTION together: Isn't Fell just a fucking awesome comic?
CREAMYGOODNESS: Oh man, I've never know another man like you
CREAMYGOODNESS and THEQUESTION start to lean in to kiss, just before they do they hear a beeping sound
THEQUESTION: The phone! I have signal!
CREAMYGOODNESS: What you say?!
THEQUESTION: I can call Johnstitch's helicopter! We can get out! But I just need the time
The girls can be heard shrieking 'WAS IT THE LIGHTING?!' in the background
CREAMYGOODNESS: You You go man I'll buy you the time. Make it back to the Nerdcave. And when you do my comic books they're yours.
THEQUESTION has tears in his eyes
THEQUESTION: Ok man I love you My hat Keep it for luck
THEQUESTION hands CREAMYGOODNESS his hat and runs off into the distance. CREAMYGOODNESS hums reflectively to himself and draws two massive carving knives from his back pocket. The girls all run into view
CREAMYGOODNESS: Ok ladies who wants to be archived?
CREAMYGOODNESS leaps into the fray, knives flashing. CUT TO: THEQUESTION boarding a helicopter marked 'ROFLCOPTER' on the side. He looks back sadly as he hears mangled screams of 'WE WISH HONEY ALL THE BEST IN HER FUTURE ENDEAVOURS!' and 'VOTE FOR MY SET ON SECOND CHANCE SUNDAY LOL!'
5. THE SHIP. THEQUESTION sits at the bar reflectively, nursing a gin and tonic. He looks up at the clock and sighs sadly. CREAMYGOODNESS staggers in, coated in dried blood, his clothing torn, his knives nicked and broken. He drops THEQUESTIONS bloodied hat on the bar in front of him.
CREAMYGOODNESS: Jack and Coke. No questions.
VIEW 25 of 35 COMMENTS
it was wicked fun, i cant believe there wasnt an sguk meet for it!