Ok, feeling better from my last journal entry (although I hope this doesn't mean Vix isn't going to give me cuddles on friday 
). My grandad's been in and out of hospital but he's basically ok, the current thoery was that he's got gallstone problems that give him flashes of pain so intense they bring on seizures or somesuch. But yeah, he's back home and doing ok. I didn't get the new job but I still have my old one, and I'm getting over my girlfriend fairly well. With that, it's back to your regularly scheduled shennanigans:
As a lot of these entries seem to start, I was out in Central London a few days back (Oxford Circus to be precise), alternately dodging and cursing the tourists and out-of-towners like any native worth his salt is prone to do when I came across someone preaching in the street. He was pretty standard English God Squad material; all creepily over-sincere smiles and sensibly cut blonde hair. The blandness was radiating off him in waves. He had his megaphone and was shouting a message of salvation to anyone within range. Nothing I particularly took offence to, although when he asked a nearby woman Are you a sinner or a winner? I had a strong urge to snatch the megaphone off him and deliver an improvised sermon on the joys of hard drugs, Satan worship and hot, sweaty gay sex.
The weird thing is though; it made me kind of jealous. I should tell you all one thing right off the bat. Im an atheist. Granted, Im a fairly humble atheist, I couldnt say with absolute certainty there is no God/Gods/higher powers/omnicognisent shrimp out there somewhere, but Im pretty certain theres not. I certainly dont believe in any higher being as recognised by most of the religions around at the moment.
But I digress. What made me jealous is that we dont have anything like that for atheism. We dont have anyone out there, spreading the word and preaching the joys of atheism. We should, because when you think about it, atheism has a lot going for it compared to other religions:
1. No dietary restrictions, eat all the bacon and beefburgers you want lardy.
2. Be as gay as you want.
3. No making you feel guilty for doing harmless crap like spanking the monkey. Seriously, who does it hurt?
4. No wars during humanitys history have ever been started because of atheism.
I think its pretty plain that atheism is the smart choice for all your religious needs; the only downside is the lack of blaspheming. It takes a very dedicated man to be able to drop something heavy on his foot and exclaim Oh bloody random space-time events! You can just do what I do though and blaspheme like everyone else and pretend youre doing it to piss of any nearby Christians.
All we need is some way of gathering people to our cause. Something to rally round, something to unite all our brothers and sisters. In short, we need to form the International Church of Atheism. Now I know what youre thinking, that it doesnt make a damn lick of sense, but zeros a number, right? So it only stands to reason that atheism can have a Church. And the first thing we need if were going to form a Church is an (un)holy book. It is for this reason that I present to you an excerpt from what may very well be the culmination of my lifes work so far, The Chronicles of Jeff:
And lo, Jeff did come unto a great multitude of people, and he did wish to walk among them and witness the cause of this great congregation. And he did thusly walk amongst them and he did find at their centre a man bearing a speaking tube who did spake unto this throng words of damnation and hellfire that would chill a man down to his very bones. And this man did implore the crowd to seek solace in his God, to attend his church and pray for salvation.
At this Jeff did become most vexed and he did rise above the assembled crowd with a righteous fury and did pronounce Ho there, purveyor of fake truths and erroneous solutions! I do pronounce thee false prophet! Thou dost follow a false God, true spiritual calm and salvation can only be found through the denunciation of such idolatries! Repent and speak the good word of atheism!
The false prophet did vex and foam and roar mightily when presented with the most undeniable of truths. He did spit back in Jeffs face Art thou mad? Jesus Christ is our only saviour; only the Lord God can wash away the stains of mans uncountable sins. I do not expect such understanding from a dirty atheist. All men of sense know that a man who does not place his faith in the almighty cannot be just and moral without Gods Law. All that doth keep you from murdering, raping, and wreaking ruination upon thine enemies is fear of punishment by the law of this land!
And at this Jeff did rear back in shock, and he did step forth once more and cry out Now hold on one bloody minute cockbite, are you seriously telling me that just because I dont believe in your God, that makes me inherently immoral as I refuse to recognise Gods law and all that stops me from committing evil acts is a fear of punishment? That is the most insulting thing Ive ever heard, not to mention hypocritical. You claim some kind of moral superiority because you do believe in Gods law when by your own logic the only thing that stops you from murdering and raping is fear of going to Hell in the afterlife. If you truly believe that man is incapable of forming their own set of ethics and morals according to their own judgement and must instead rely upon the writings of a 2000-year-old book then thats utterly terrifying in its idiocy and complete rejection of logic. You, my deluded friend, are a fucktard in the fullest sense of the word and the most unsatisfying thing about being an atheist is that I wont be around to laugh at you when you die and find out you were dead wrong.
And the crowd did beat the man and and steal his shoes, and there was much rejoicing across the land, and Jeff did pick out the finest of young maidens from his people and did sneak her into some nearby bushes for a bit of hows-your-father.
P.S. Crappy Profile Pic added till I find something better.
). My grandad's been in and out of hospital but he's basically ok, the current thoery was that he's got gallstone problems that give him flashes of pain so intense they bring on seizures or somesuch. But yeah, he's back home and doing ok. I didn't get the new job but I still have my old one, and I'm getting over my girlfriend fairly well. With that, it's back to your regularly scheduled shennanigans:
As a lot of these entries seem to start, I was out in Central London a few days back (Oxford Circus to be precise), alternately dodging and cursing the tourists and out-of-towners like any native worth his salt is prone to do when I came across someone preaching in the street. He was pretty standard English God Squad material; all creepily over-sincere smiles and sensibly cut blonde hair. The blandness was radiating off him in waves. He had his megaphone and was shouting a message of salvation to anyone within range. Nothing I particularly took offence to, although when he asked a nearby woman Are you a sinner or a winner? I had a strong urge to snatch the megaphone off him and deliver an improvised sermon on the joys of hard drugs, Satan worship and hot, sweaty gay sex.
The weird thing is though; it made me kind of jealous. I should tell you all one thing right off the bat. Im an atheist. Granted, Im a fairly humble atheist, I couldnt say with absolute certainty there is no God/Gods/higher powers/omnicognisent shrimp out there somewhere, but Im pretty certain theres not. I certainly dont believe in any higher being as recognised by most of the religions around at the moment.
But I digress. What made me jealous is that we dont have anything like that for atheism. We dont have anyone out there, spreading the word and preaching the joys of atheism. We should, because when you think about it, atheism has a lot going for it compared to other religions:
1. No dietary restrictions, eat all the bacon and beefburgers you want lardy.
2. Be as gay as you want.
3. No making you feel guilty for doing harmless crap like spanking the monkey. Seriously, who does it hurt?
4. No wars during humanitys history have ever been started because of atheism.
I think its pretty plain that atheism is the smart choice for all your religious needs; the only downside is the lack of blaspheming. It takes a very dedicated man to be able to drop something heavy on his foot and exclaim Oh bloody random space-time events! You can just do what I do though and blaspheme like everyone else and pretend youre doing it to piss of any nearby Christians.
All we need is some way of gathering people to our cause. Something to rally round, something to unite all our brothers and sisters. In short, we need to form the International Church of Atheism. Now I know what youre thinking, that it doesnt make a damn lick of sense, but zeros a number, right? So it only stands to reason that atheism can have a Church. And the first thing we need if were going to form a Church is an (un)holy book. It is for this reason that I present to you an excerpt from what may very well be the culmination of my lifes work so far, The Chronicles of Jeff:
And lo, Jeff did come unto a great multitude of people, and he did wish to walk among them and witness the cause of this great congregation. And he did thusly walk amongst them and he did find at their centre a man bearing a speaking tube who did spake unto this throng words of damnation and hellfire that would chill a man down to his very bones. And this man did implore the crowd to seek solace in his God, to attend his church and pray for salvation.
At this Jeff did become most vexed and he did rise above the assembled crowd with a righteous fury and did pronounce Ho there, purveyor of fake truths and erroneous solutions! I do pronounce thee false prophet! Thou dost follow a false God, true spiritual calm and salvation can only be found through the denunciation of such idolatries! Repent and speak the good word of atheism!
The false prophet did vex and foam and roar mightily when presented with the most undeniable of truths. He did spit back in Jeffs face Art thou mad? Jesus Christ is our only saviour; only the Lord God can wash away the stains of mans uncountable sins. I do not expect such understanding from a dirty atheist. All men of sense know that a man who does not place his faith in the almighty cannot be just and moral without Gods Law. All that doth keep you from murdering, raping, and wreaking ruination upon thine enemies is fear of punishment by the law of this land!
And at this Jeff did rear back in shock, and he did step forth once more and cry out Now hold on one bloody minute cockbite, are you seriously telling me that just because I dont believe in your God, that makes me inherently immoral as I refuse to recognise Gods law and all that stops me from committing evil acts is a fear of punishment? That is the most insulting thing Ive ever heard, not to mention hypocritical. You claim some kind of moral superiority because you do believe in Gods law when by your own logic the only thing that stops you from murdering and raping is fear of going to Hell in the afterlife. If you truly believe that man is incapable of forming their own set of ethics and morals according to their own judgement and must instead rely upon the writings of a 2000-year-old book then thats utterly terrifying in its idiocy and complete rejection of logic. You, my deluded friend, are a fucktard in the fullest sense of the word and the most unsatisfying thing about being an atheist is that I wont be around to laugh at you when you die and find out you were dead wrong.
And the crowd did beat the man and and steal his shoes, and there was much rejoicing across the land, and Jeff did pick out the finest of young maidens from his people and did sneak her into some nearby bushes for a bit of hows-your-father.
P.S. Crappy Profile Pic added till I find something better.
VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
Yup moral superiority sucks, but I like to think that these guys are earning a sufficient amount of bad karma that they'll be coming back as dung beetles in their next lives.
Your atheistic church is a supurb idea. However, I am affiliated with the God of Beer and Belenos. One requires me to consume alcohol and sacrifice sobriety and the other requires me to stuff Politicians in huge wicker men and set fire to them. The wicker man bit is fun since you can also toast sausages while listening to the screams.
[Edited on Sep 16, 2003]