creamygoodness

I'd kept my eye on who
Should have been watching you
And yes, I meant to hurt you
And kick your insides into touch

And if I leave you, would you smile?
And it's not up for discussion
So don't ask tonight

Don't waste your time and walk away
It was futile anyway.

On music and other stuff

I've got a weird relationship with Hundred Reasons. They were one of the bands that thoroughly cemented my deep-abiding passion for music, especially music that grabs you by the throat and screams it's intent defiantly into your face. They were the first band I ever saw live (yeah, I was a late starter on the concerts, blame friends with terrible taste in music) and I couldn't have wished for a better introduction. Their first album lit a fire under my balls although I found their second album a little too sedate for my liking. Some of the songs grew on me but I just never took a shine to it.

Also they somehow seem to have become the soundtrack to some of my more emo moments. They've got a lot of weird mental associations for me, not many of them pleasant but I come back to them regardless. So I get the new album, and fuck me they're back with a vengance. They seem to have finally remembered how to rock the fuck out. The title track, Kill Your Own, makes me rememeber what it was about them I loved in the first place, and Live Fast, Die Ugly sounds more like soemthing Queens of the Stoneage would put out. Rest assured, this one's becoming a fast favourite.

Of course, as if by magic, cue a new HR album, cue silly drama and sulky introspection. I've been sat here for the past hour having a good think about myself (my favourite subject) and I've realised something.

This shit's got to change

There's a lot of things I don't like about myself at the moment, and the worst part is I disguise a lot of it as something to be proud of. Think of this as my anti-testimonial. I'm too passive. I never really try to reach out and take the things I want. I hide behind some pretense of old-fashioned values or being a 'nice guy' or I tell myself 'not now, this isn't the right time for this reason' but really it's just good old-fashioned fear. I react childishly to things not going my own way, I get killingly jealous and work myself up into a ball of bile and venom and then squish it back down again until it goes away. I acknowledge faults or things I need to change but act as if the very act of acknowledging negates the need to do anything about it. I dwell on things long past the point I should, stirring up depression and vitriol and then I put it all away in time for the next meet.

I say these things not to trawl for sympathy or make thinly-disguised points or even to vent my spleen to the world, but as a declaration of intent. This has GOT to stop and I have GOT to do something about this. Maybe if I put it all out there there's no turning back. I ain't going out like a punk, the Big Poppa don't roll that way.

Creamy is dead, long live Creamy (I hope). Peace out.