A good friend called today to finally tell me she was diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and may not make it to see 2003. Of course, I've been upset and crying all day.
Things haven't been that great between us. We haven't really spoken since September or so (when she was diagnosed in the final stages) because of a stupid fight. How trivial that seems now in the grand scheme of things. I chose to ignore the situation between us instead of dealing with it - now it may be too late to do anything about it. I kept putting it off every day. Why did I do that? Was it easier for me to ignore it than to deal with it?
She never told me about the diagnosis until today. So in a way, I'm also really pissed off that she choose today to tell me. Why not sooner? Why on a holiday? Why now? I feel guilty for even thinking such things.
I'm upset that I've wasted so much time and put off calling her when I know I really wanted to since Thankgiving. Maybe I would have made more of an effort if I knew that she was dying. I feel horrible for that too - would I have made the effort because I really wanted to or because she was dying? I worry about how my life will be affected and I feel selfish for thinking such thoughts. I wonder how I will be once she is gone from my life.
I don't really know how to deal with this. I called her and tried to talk to her but all she was doing was apologizing for everything and feeling sorry for herself. She said she didn't want to see me. She gave me her final goodbyes. When I told her I wanted to see her, she said that she wanted to die alone. I could do nothing but cry.
I wanted to give her one last hug, to tell her how much her friendship has meant to me over the years. I want to offer my help in anything she may need through these difficult times. I want to comfort her, to be there for her until the end. To give myself closure and to let her die peacefully knowing that I care about her as a person. And that she will be greatly missed.
Christmas seems so insignificant now, especially when we are faced with our own mortality. It makes me wonder how much time I have left.
Things haven't been that great between us. We haven't really spoken since September or so (when she was diagnosed in the final stages) because of a stupid fight. How trivial that seems now in the grand scheme of things. I chose to ignore the situation between us instead of dealing with it - now it may be too late to do anything about it. I kept putting it off every day. Why did I do that? Was it easier for me to ignore it than to deal with it?
She never told me about the diagnosis until today. So in a way, I'm also really pissed off that she choose today to tell me. Why not sooner? Why on a holiday? Why now? I feel guilty for even thinking such things.
I'm upset that I've wasted so much time and put off calling her when I know I really wanted to since Thankgiving. Maybe I would have made more of an effort if I knew that she was dying. I feel horrible for that too - would I have made the effort because I really wanted to or because she was dying? I worry about how my life will be affected and I feel selfish for thinking such thoughts. I wonder how I will be once she is gone from my life.
I don't really know how to deal with this. I called her and tried to talk to her but all she was doing was apologizing for everything and feeling sorry for herself. She said she didn't want to see me. She gave me her final goodbyes. When I told her I wanted to see her, she said that she wanted to die alone. I could do nothing but cry.
I wanted to give her one last hug, to tell her how much her friendship has meant to me over the years. I want to offer my help in anything she may need through these difficult times. I want to comfort her, to be there for her until the end. To give myself closure and to let her die peacefully knowing that I care about her as a person. And that she will be greatly missed.
Christmas seems so insignificant now, especially when we are faced with our own mortality. It makes me wonder how much time I have left.