what a ridiculous fucking life I have.
some days I really do wonder why I do it. I mean ..I'm not scared of death, but something compels me to deny it's icy touch.
I'm sure it could be said that I'm here to learn a lesson.. or to inspire people or to deal with my own stupid mistakes so that maybe, if I have another shot at life, I won't fuck it up.
It's funny though because no matter how much I try to suppress my want for love, it never goes away, and I'm stuck in my own version of "hell".
aaaaaannnnndddd I know that love can suck, not work, be shady, not mean anything to some, but it is all that my heart and mind cries out for. And I'm not talking -let's have sex and hang out for a bit but ultimately not stay together because it wasn't real, love- (although for some that is perfectly fine). I'm talking -I'll live my life for you, with you, to make you happy, which makes me happy, to make you laugh, which makes me smile, to touch you and make you feel satisfied, which turns me on, to make you feel better, which makes me feel better, to kiss you, which makes me passionate, and to sit for no other reason than to just enjoy the company-
I know I talk about it a lot, but it's on my mind, and I wanted to excrete it.
The beauty is that I won't give up until I get love, and I won't give up when I have it.
coincidently on the giving up aspect, it crossed my mind that some people don't really understand the magnitude of how hard that really is for me, so I'll just post a few examples (and I don't say this to sound like a dick or woe is me, I just want to give you a textual visual to go with my opening statement).
-Pick up a glass of water...now put it down. In every moment from the idea of picking up the glass, I have to survey how much it weighs, how to grab it, and concentrate every moment not drop it, and finally put it back down paying full attention that it is sitting flat (also have to account for spasms and whether or not I'll need one or two hands).
-I drop my cell phone, tv remote, wallet, and various other things on the floor, it stays there all day until someone can get it for me. Doesn't sound to harmful, but try it, drop your phone or remote for 8hours and let me know how frustrating it gets (also I've almost dropped my wallet in a store bathroom, which would screw me hard).
-Now for the serious. At the moment, and for the past 3 months, I have had to do literally everything from this bed. This bed that constantly has me sliding down, dying from heat, keeping me prisoner. Everything Includes: Eating, peeing, pooping, exercising, being alone, having everything I need on the bed side rolling table (laptop, water, snack, phone, cell phone, medicine, tv remote, game controllers, catheters, and any other important item), trusting that I will have a nurse that cares to show up (which is rare, but I have a very cool nurse in the morning that I don't want to do without).
The bed does limit my situation a bit more, but in general this is how my life goes.
Still, this is not a sob story and you certainly don't have to feel sorry for me, I just hope you understand what I'm getting at.
I do have to say, the human will is pretty enormous, when you need it to be. And love is a powerful force.
anyway back to my video game (which in itself is a massive feat with my crippled hands lol)
OH AND this is not saying I hate my life, it's just difficult.
some days I really do wonder why I do it. I mean ..I'm not scared of death, but something compels me to deny it's icy touch.
I'm sure it could be said that I'm here to learn a lesson.. or to inspire people or to deal with my own stupid mistakes so that maybe, if I have another shot at life, I won't fuck it up.
It's funny though because no matter how much I try to suppress my want for love, it never goes away, and I'm stuck in my own version of "hell".
aaaaaannnnndddd I know that love can suck, not work, be shady, not mean anything to some, but it is all that my heart and mind cries out for. And I'm not talking -let's have sex and hang out for a bit but ultimately not stay together because it wasn't real, love- (although for some that is perfectly fine). I'm talking -I'll live my life for you, with you, to make you happy, which makes me happy, to make you laugh, which makes me smile, to touch you and make you feel satisfied, which turns me on, to make you feel better, which makes me feel better, to kiss you, which makes me passionate, and to sit for no other reason than to just enjoy the company-
I know I talk about it a lot, but it's on my mind, and I wanted to excrete it.
The beauty is that I won't give up until I get love, and I won't give up when I have it.
coincidently on the giving up aspect, it crossed my mind that some people don't really understand the magnitude of how hard that really is for me, so I'll just post a few examples (and I don't say this to sound like a dick or woe is me, I just want to give you a textual visual to go with my opening statement).
-Pick up a glass of water...now put it down. In every moment from the idea of picking up the glass, I have to survey how much it weighs, how to grab it, and concentrate every moment not drop it, and finally put it back down paying full attention that it is sitting flat (also have to account for spasms and whether or not I'll need one or two hands).
-I drop my cell phone, tv remote, wallet, and various other things on the floor, it stays there all day until someone can get it for me. Doesn't sound to harmful, but try it, drop your phone or remote for 8hours and let me know how frustrating it gets (also I've almost dropped my wallet in a store bathroom, which would screw me hard).
-Now for the serious. At the moment, and for the past 3 months, I have had to do literally everything from this bed. This bed that constantly has me sliding down, dying from heat, keeping me prisoner. Everything Includes: Eating, peeing, pooping, exercising, being alone, having everything I need on the bed side rolling table (laptop, water, snack, phone, cell phone, medicine, tv remote, game controllers, catheters, and any other important item), trusting that I will have a nurse that cares to show up (which is rare, but I have a very cool nurse in the morning that I don't want to do without).
The bed does limit my situation a bit more, but in general this is how my life goes.
Still, this is not a sob story and you certainly don't have to feel sorry for me, I just hope you understand what I'm getting at.
I do have to say, the human will is pretty enormous, when you need it to be. And love is a powerful force.
anyway back to my video game (which in itself is a massive feat with my crippled hands lol)
OH AND this is not saying I hate my life, it's just difficult.
I hope love finds you. You of all people deserve it