crashoverride

I have been a bit cryptic about things the past couple of days, and I was super depressed for a few days as well. (I was depressed because even the smallest things are ridiculously hard for me to do/handle). ALSO I feel stupid because I read into shit too much, and hope gets the best of me. Plus, sometimes I feel like everything I do.. means nothing at some point. I suppose this came on because I went from one of the best times of my life in Chicago with a super fucking awesome girl, and the best brother I could ever have, and then I had to drive back home.. to work.. to live in the basement..with no one..no interaction.. nothing.

But with that comes this choice.. the choice of my life.

I went into a GYM a few days ago to try and find a place that I could work out. A place where I could go and use a pulley system to work my upper body.

What I got was a whole program. This place is specifically for people with spinal cord injuries, and are passionate about what they do. They understand that I am a person and that my life CAN be better, and that their is a chance that I may be able to walk again.

I met Sandy, the supervisor, of MVP gym and at first I was kind of clueless as to what was going on. I was just there to lift weights lol. Anyway, she has me come into her office and proceeds to ask me things.. how old I am, weight, height..etc.. the standard stuff, but something seemed weird because she got into deeper questions about my injury and what my motivation is. I told her all the info I could and I was positive, but I was nervous, and a bit leery at the whole idea. The idea is that this program gets me OUT of my CHAIR and into some realistic situations (standing, kneeling, swimming, and various other things).


NOW
what most of you don't know is: I am afraid to change my schedule/routine and get out of my chair, because when that happens...I lose control.

It takes my mobility. Just imagine that for a second. Imagine not being able to move...for anything.

It's been 13 years. I've stayed in bed all day 5 times (when I had the flu in 1999 that almost killed me). EVERY day of my life I'm in my wheelchair. The same routine.


Anyway, this place wants me to get out of my chair and they all said that I should because I am motivated and that this is the reason I was looking for. This is the reason I am looking for.. I want out of my chair, but I am scared. I am scared of stupid shit. I am scared that I may fail, and that my body may do what it wants and I have no choice over it (bladder and bowel).

We continued to talk and she showed me around. The place looks very cool, and the people seem super nice, but I mentioned that all I have is Medicaid (and with most things in my life..Medicaid never fails to deny me) and that I won't be able to afford it.

She said to me that she was so impressed with me that this gym may be willing to give me a "scholarship" to go through the program.

I am going to do it, and everything isn't worked out yet, but I am going to do it.

This is my life. This is the point in my life when I make a choice.

THAT'S NOT IT

When I go through this program, if at a certain point, I am able to stand for an hour (with help from a stander or a machine of course) I may be one of the first people in the United States to join Dr. Wise Young's clinical trial (spinal cord repair/stem cell regrowth).

This comes at a huge price in one of four ways: I die, I get worse, I get better, I walk

AND I am prepared for any of these options. My life needs to mean something, and not to anyone else.. but to me, I need to feel like I have lived life and actually made an effort.

I am all in. 100%

I may not be around much when this starts, but I would love any support you want to give me.

AND SERIOUSLY
please if you have any questions, ask me! About anything!