Ok, so I'm looking through Suicide Girls and thinking, shit my life is completely lame and what's more, I'm too chickenshit to find the courage an honesty to write what I think and, more improtantly, feel without the wet wollen poncho of self conciousness falling over everything I do.
I guess i feel out of place, but then, who doesn't, I guess it's just the way we cope that differs between us, I retrench, hide in corners and fall back to the bahavious I have developped for work, the polite, the consiliatory, the fucking half-arsed.
My dad told me a story today about a German POW he knew in his home town in Scotland. He was an ex U-boat captain and never spoke about the war until one day he started telling my dad how he would never return to Germany. My dad asked if he ever wondered where his crew were, he answered that he knew where his crew were, they were at the bottom of the ocean. He had been in the conning tower, having been forced to surface by the damage done by depth charges. His crew were ordered onto deck and machine-gunned, he only survived because he was in the conning tower and after all who would believe that the "good" allied forces would do such a thing?
Arnie's counting down the 100 best heros and villains on the TV, shit all that guy's got is charisma and determination, sad to say the older I get the more I realise that's all you need a lot of the time.
Some big changes in a few months, with luck my wife is going to University in September, it'll be tough but will at least give us no excuse to keep going in our dull-as-fuck ways. We love each otehr to bits, but we need the change to grow, both of us and come back together and bring new things into our relationship. Maybe new people too, it's been a while since we fucked a freind, we're so damn good at it too.
Need to get the house finished too, fucking middle-class crap, just wnat a peaceful place to live my life out of and to share with friends, finally learning how much that means. Need to do more here too, post more, interact more. I guess I got freaked by the "Fake Breasts" thread, some comments really challenged some of my beliefs, made me think (good), made me solidify the foundationn of my beliefs (good), brough lots of ideas back into line and returned me to a philosophy that worked for me in the past, thank fuck for that. Lack of security makes cahllenges to my beliefs hard to cope with (see behavour above), I'm fragile for a hulking fat git.
Found an art at last in photography, need to find the confidence to start sharing, have the work challenged and maybe appreciated. Must post work here soon.
Enough for now, makes mental commitment to open up here more, who gives a fuck about the vocal fuckwits (OK, I do), but shit, it's got to be done, may just touch someone and be touched back.
I guess i feel out of place, but then, who doesn't, I guess it's just the way we cope that differs between us, I retrench, hide in corners and fall back to the bahavious I have developped for work, the polite, the consiliatory, the fucking half-arsed.
My dad told me a story today about a German POW he knew in his home town in Scotland. He was an ex U-boat captain and never spoke about the war until one day he started telling my dad how he would never return to Germany. My dad asked if he ever wondered where his crew were, he answered that he knew where his crew were, they were at the bottom of the ocean. He had been in the conning tower, having been forced to surface by the damage done by depth charges. His crew were ordered onto deck and machine-gunned, he only survived because he was in the conning tower and after all who would believe that the "good" allied forces would do such a thing?
Arnie's counting down the 100 best heros and villains on the TV, shit all that guy's got is charisma and determination, sad to say the older I get the more I realise that's all you need a lot of the time.
Some big changes in a few months, with luck my wife is going to University in September, it'll be tough but will at least give us no excuse to keep going in our dull-as-fuck ways. We love each otehr to bits, but we need the change to grow, both of us and come back together and bring new things into our relationship. Maybe new people too, it's been a while since we fucked a freind, we're so damn good at it too.
Need to get the house finished too, fucking middle-class crap, just wnat a peaceful place to live my life out of and to share with friends, finally learning how much that means. Need to do more here too, post more, interact more. I guess I got freaked by the "Fake Breasts" thread, some comments really challenged some of my beliefs, made me think (good), made me solidify the foundationn of my beliefs (good), brough lots of ideas back into line and returned me to a philosophy that worked for me in the past, thank fuck for that. Lack of security makes cahllenges to my beliefs hard to cope with (see behavour above), I'm fragile for a hulking fat git.
Found an art at last in photography, need to find the confidence to start sharing, have the work challenged and maybe appreciated. Must post work here soon.
Enough for now, makes mental commitment to open up here more, who gives a fuck about the vocal fuckwits (OK, I do), but shit, it's got to be done, may just touch someone and be touched back.