For the last 3 months or so I have been without a room. Ive been sleeping on the sofa in the living room of the house while the garage is being converted, without planning permission. In order to avoid getting planning permission, a builder who is a friend of the family was employed who is (supposedly) quick and cheap.
Well, it seems that his method of building is similar to that of a monkey with a soft spot for weak tea. Since July he has been coming pretty much every day to stand outside with his top off and throw various types of masonry at the garage until it magically becomes a room.
I cant complain that much because its being paid for, I feel like I shouldnt be living at home anyway, and where the hell would I go if I was kicked out, YOUR house? Dream on you flea-ridden sack of crap.
So instead of bitching and moaning about it I figured Id come up with my own guide for converting a garage into a liveable room. Also I havent updated this thing for ages so I feel obligated and listing stuff is a fantastic half-assed way to do it.
Step One - Tools
Tools are one of the most important parts of the building process. Without tools, you'd have to build with your bare hands, leaving you open to various horrible injuries and rendering your hands useless in relation to what you'd normally do with them, which if you're reading this I assume would be eating, typing, masturbating and crying, sometimes all at once.
There are also several things which simply cannot be done without tools. Have you ever tried to nail something into a wall without using a hammer? I have, using my fist. Manly as I am the 5 hours in casuality bullying a little kid who couldnt stop being sick with the flat end of a nail stuck in 4 inches between my knuckles was a waste of my precious time.
Here is a list of the tools you will need:
1.Hammer
2.Screw driver
3.Drill
4.Saw
5.Bag of nails
6.Bag of screws
7.Testosterone
8.Some wood
9.A garage
10.A dream
Most of these can be aquired at a shop like Focus or B&Q. Incidentally, what the hell do the letters in that name stand for? B and Q? Bob and Quintin? Barry and Queer?
If you're American you wont know what the fuck.
Step 2: Measuring the room
I know, I didnt include a tape measure or spirit level in the list but you need those too. The tape measure should be one of those snap-back ones, just because they're cool and you should make sure the spirit level isnt faulty. I had to refill mine because it had a bubble in it.
Use the tape measure to measure the exact length and width of EVERYTHING in the garage. The walls, the cieling, the windows (if any) the doors. The whole fucking magila. If you happen to have any flat surfaces in there (i.e the floor) then use the spirit level to check if its flat. The floor should be flat, unless you live in a bouncy castle or your floor is made of spikes, in which case I wouldnt recommend making a room out of it in the first place.
Once you're doing taking the measurements down, then fold up whatever you've written them in and throw them out of the window. If you're a real man then you dont need to know ANY accurate measurements or dimensions, and everything you guess will be correct.
Step 3: Start nailing shit to other shit
Most garages dont have any kind of insulation, so its a good idea to start there. Everyone's house has a big reel of bubble wrap somewhere. Tear up as much of this as possible and smear it with superglue. Im talking industrial superglue here, this stuff needs to stick for years. There should be enough to cover all the walls, if not then you're insulating a different room, or else your garage is too damn big and I cant help you.
Once this is done you need to plaster the walls. On my budget I cant afford to buy a load of plaster, and if you can then why dont you just employ a professional you rich son of a bitch. Take the wood you have, and use the saw to cut it into almost wafer-thin strips. If you dont have enough to finish the room then hunt around your house for more. You'd be surprised how much wood there is just lying around, kitchen cabinets, toilet seats, doors.
You can either use the same superglue to stick the wood over the bubble wrap, nail it to it with a hammer and nails (see step 1) or use an industrial stapler. I know I didnt include a stapler in step one either, sorry.
Step 4: Painting
Your garage should now look something like this:
If it doesnt, then you fucked up somewhere so dont look at me.
Now it's time to paint the walls. Paint is an amazing thing as it comes in a large selection of colours (and flavours) and only costs about 80 per millilitre. Pick whatever colour you want - I personally chose black, the colour of my pain-ridden soul - and get as many tubs as you can afford. Trust me, you'll need it. Remove the lids from the tubs and then hurl them around the room. It may take some time to cover all of the walls, but if you can think of a better method then fuck off and write your own guide.
Step 5: Decorating
Now that the hardest part of the job is done (physically the hardest, emotionall the hardest part is watching your bank balance steadily deplete), its time to get creative. Depending on what you're using the room for, bedroom, guest bedroom, billiard room, dining room, body room you should decorate it to fit it's purpose.
Personally I decided to use it as a pool room. Having already placed the makeshift pool table (a dining table with some boxes around the edge, markers instead of holes and a bunch of golf balls I found in the bumpy fields not far from here) I decided to decorate the walls with various hunting trophies, since that seems to be what everyone else does.
Step 6: Get arrested for poaching
How the fuck was I supposed to know?
Step 7: Your work is done, you are a man
If you followed these steps correctly then your room should look something like this:
If it doesnt then, once again, you fucked up somewhere genius. For those of you smart enough to follow a simple guide, congratulations! You now have a whole new illegal room grafted to the side of your house.
Step 8: Steal your idea for an update from a popular website which may or may not contain "Awful" in the url
My room really is done though.
Well, it seems that his method of building is similar to that of a monkey with a soft spot for weak tea. Since July he has been coming pretty much every day to stand outside with his top off and throw various types of masonry at the garage until it magically becomes a room.
I cant complain that much because its being paid for, I feel like I shouldnt be living at home anyway, and where the hell would I go if I was kicked out, YOUR house? Dream on you flea-ridden sack of crap.
So instead of bitching and moaning about it I figured Id come up with my own guide for converting a garage into a liveable room. Also I havent updated this thing for ages so I feel obligated and listing stuff is a fantastic half-assed way to do it.
Step One - Tools
Tools are one of the most important parts of the building process. Without tools, you'd have to build with your bare hands, leaving you open to various horrible injuries and rendering your hands useless in relation to what you'd normally do with them, which if you're reading this I assume would be eating, typing, masturbating and crying, sometimes all at once.
There are also several things which simply cannot be done without tools. Have you ever tried to nail something into a wall without using a hammer? I have, using my fist. Manly as I am the 5 hours in casuality bullying a little kid who couldnt stop being sick with the flat end of a nail stuck in 4 inches between my knuckles was a waste of my precious time.
Here is a list of the tools you will need:
1.Hammer
2.Screw driver
3.Drill
4.Saw
5.Bag of nails
6.Bag of screws
7.Testosterone
8.Some wood
9.A garage
10.A dream
Most of these can be aquired at a shop like Focus or B&Q. Incidentally, what the hell do the letters in that name stand for? B and Q? Bob and Quintin? Barry and Queer?
If you're American you wont know what the fuck.
Step 2: Measuring the room
I know, I didnt include a tape measure or spirit level in the list but you need those too. The tape measure should be one of those snap-back ones, just because they're cool and you should make sure the spirit level isnt faulty. I had to refill mine because it had a bubble in it.
Use the tape measure to measure the exact length and width of EVERYTHING in the garage. The walls, the cieling, the windows (if any) the doors. The whole fucking magila. If you happen to have any flat surfaces in there (i.e the floor) then use the spirit level to check if its flat. The floor should be flat, unless you live in a bouncy castle or your floor is made of spikes, in which case I wouldnt recommend making a room out of it in the first place.
Once you're doing taking the measurements down, then fold up whatever you've written them in and throw them out of the window. If you're a real man then you dont need to know ANY accurate measurements or dimensions, and everything you guess will be correct.
Step 3: Start nailing shit to other shit
Most garages dont have any kind of insulation, so its a good idea to start there. Everyone's house has a big reel of bubble wrap somewhere. Tear up as much of this as possible and smear it with superglue. Im talking industrial superglue here, this stuff needs to stick for years. There should be enough to cover all the walls, if not then you're insulating a different room, or else your garage is too damn big and I cant help you.
Once this is done you need to plaster the walls. On my budget I cant afford to buy a load of plaster, and if you can then why dont you just employ a professional you rich son of a bitch. Take the wood you have, and use the saw to cut it into almost wafer-thin strips. If you dont have enough to finish the room then hunt around your house for more. You'd be surprised how much wood there is just lying around, kitchen cabinets, toilet seats, doors.
You can either use the same superglue to stick the wood over the bubble wrap, nail it to it with a hammer and nails (see step 1) or use an industrial stapler. I know I didnt include a stapler in step one either, sorry.
Step 4: Painting
Your garage should now look something like this:
If it doesnt, then you fucked up somewhere so dont look at me.
Now it's time to paint the walls. Paint is an amazing thing as it comes in a large selection of colours (and flavours) and only costs about 80 per millilitre. Pick whatever colour you want - I personally chose black, the colour of my pain-ridden soul - and get as many tubs as you can afford. Trust me, you'll need it. Remove the lids from the tubs and then hurl them around the room. It may take some time to cover all of the walls, but if you can think of a better method then fuck off and write your own guide.
Step 5: Decorating
Now that the hardest part of the job is done (physically the hardest, emotionall the hardest part is watching your bank balance steadily deplete), its time to get creative. Depending on what you're using the room for, bedroom, guest bedroom, billiard room, dining room, body room you should decorate it to fit it's purpose.
Personally I decided to use it as a pool room. Having already placed the makeshift pool table (a dining table with some boxes around the edge, markers instead of holes and a bunch of golf balls I found in the bumpy fields not far from here) I decided to decorate the walls with various hunting trophies, since that seems to be what everyone else does.
Step 6: Get arrested for poaching
How the fuck was I supposed to know?
Step 7: Your work is done, you are a man
If you followed these steps correctly then your room should look something like this:
If it doesnt then, once again, you fucked up somewhere genius. For those of you smart enough to follow a simple guide, congratulations! You now have a whole new illegal room grafted to the side of your house.
Step 8: Steal your idea for an update from a popular website which may or may not contain "Awful" in the url
My room really is done though.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Now never again use the words "safe, mate" in my presence unless you want me to poke a fork into your brain via your eyeball.