crackerman

Dear Internet,

I need your help. Yeah you heard me, Im reaching out to the scumpile that is the world wide web for help. I am faced with a choice. A choice that will affect the course of the rest of my life. The choice is where I spent the next three years drinking alcohol, eating nothing but pasta and toast layered with whatever I find stuck to the inside of a small cheap fridge, and having sex with people I dont really know and wont remember the next day, and pissing thousands of tax payer pounds down the drain whilst pretending to study film.

Thats right, Im asking YOU to help me pick a university.

Yesterday, or March 1st depending on when you read this (or when I bother to post it) was my 21st birthday. At 21 Im still living at home. This is because since I was about 19 until very recently, I have been a colossal fuck up. After years of dawdling and going back and forth to college, Ive finally decided on what course I want to do. Now, a bunch of universities have accepted me, so Im going to present you with a list. Each university will have its pros and cons, and its up to you to pick for me which one would be best.

1. The University of Nottingham.



A couple of people I know went here. Unfortunately I cant ask them for their opinions as one of them was shot and the other was stolen. From the looks of things its a nice place, but I sense a seedy underbelly, like theres something theyre not telling me. What theyre probably not telling me is the spectacularly high crime right.

Pros:
Nice looking place

All the first year accommodation is wireless enabled

Free parking for the copiously obese

Cons:
Japanese Yakuza crime ring running the town from the shadows

Mysterious stranger in tights robbing the rich/moderately rich and giving to the poor. Apparently he doesnt consider students poor because they freeload off other people. Fuck him

Copiously obese people

2. University of Brighton.



I like the beach. Do you? Im sure you do. Everyone likes the beach, but no one wants to live there. This is because we all know how depressing it is to have to live in a place where I Do Like to Be Beside the Seaside can be heard anywhere and everywhere 24/7, all men are required to have combovers and barber shop moustaches, all women have to be extremely fat and wearing stripy bathing suits and everyone lives in beach huts. That said, Ive actually stayed in the university accommodation and I know Dylan.

Pros:
Fresh sea air

Seems to be full of Suicide Girls

Gay capitol of Britain (I need the fashion tips)

Cons:
Seaside towns are pretty fucking depressing

Salt water comes out of the taps

I cant grow a decent moustache


3. University of Falmouth.



This would essentially be like going to the University of Hobbiton. Seriously, its like the Shire down in Cornwall, right down to the accent. Its all rolling green fields, thick with miles of trees and quaint little villages. Sure thats nice for a while, but after a few months Id be begging the local farmers to borrow a shotgun so that I can smear my face across the nearest stone wall of a pleasant little cottage. This does mean that theres little distraction though, so Id be able to actually concentrate on the course rather than get drunk and throw my face under wheelbarrows for fun.

Pros:
Countryside is nice and relaxing sometimes

Decent surfing scene

I could actually concentrate on my course

Cons:
Countryside is nice and relaxing SOMETIMES

I dont fucking care about surfing

I could actually concentrate on my course

4. University of Swansea



Seriously?

Pros:
I could stay at home and not have to pay for accommodation

Um.

Cons:
I could stay at home

University of SWANSEA

SWANSEA

I also applied to the University of Cardiff, but those picky bastards turned me down. Staffordshire University also accepted me butwell, you can probably guess why they didnt even get mentioned in the list.

Help me internet.