cotten

I went to the beach today and tendered my resignation to the Pacific Ocean. So I am no longer the liaison between the Moon and the Tides. I'm already bored. Retirement sucks.

I've decided to become a vampire. But I don't know how to do this. Is there a support group out there? An apprentice program? How much blood do I have to drink per day to maintain my vampire status? Are there blood pills for those who don't like drinking blood? Do I always have to wear leather and long over coats, or can I wear...
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I've started smoking again because frankly I can't bear the thought of being out smoked by a two-year-old Indonesian baby. Have you seen this iron-lunged, staring-death-in-the-face-and-laughing child? If not, youtube it. You'll feel a newfound respect for this newest generation.

I'm already craving a single barrel bourbon and it's only 10:54, PCT. Is there something wrong with me?

In order to fight BP and other oil giants, I will no longer be using body oils during sex or oils to slick my hair back and entice ladies into having oilless sex. And no more strap-ons made of plastic, which as we all know, are made from oil. You heard it here first, a promise for a better world.

I just had the first post-"death" sighting of Gary Coleman in recorded history. He isn't dead people -- he just needed to get away from the limelight for a while. Look for him to reappear in Different Strokes, the movie, in 2016....

I dreamt of my dog from childhood, Hank. Now what kind of god would let a dog have a heart attack whilst running after a squirrel and drop dead? It is completely unacceptable. Humans die and yes it is sad, but dogs? No. I propose an amendment to the laws of nature. And I propose we find this leprechaun-like god and make her agree to...
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Reason # 73 for getting married: The impossible to reach pimple that is at full pus and needs popping.

All I really want in life is a desk that's NOT made of particle wood and a girlfriend who's NOT made of plastic and air.

Why do otherwise respectable trannies in Hollywood insist upon miniskirts and thigh-exposing, cut-off blue jeans instead of nice, wholesome, full-length dresses, say with polka dots. Come on gentle(wo)men, the same muscular thighs you used so well in high school football just don't look good in cut-off jeans. Sorry. Even if they are shaved. And you were so close. So close to beauty. And please remember...
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