cotten

I'd like to thank Jesus for rising from the dead on this day in 1776 to write the Declaration of Independence and also for bravely riding around on a horse and scaring all the British out of America so that future Americans would be free to build Starbucks instead of heavily-taxed Tea Houses. Go America!

I just got a boob job so I expect a lot more attention from all of you on this site from this moment on....

If anybody is in need of a personal albatross, hit me up. I got some free time this week.

I just can't understand why I've not been recruited by the CIA. I mean, I'm cool, I can keep a secret. I hardly ever talk. I was raised in Texas, so I'm damn good with a gun. And I have a bonafide passion for assassinating mutha fuckas. What must I do to get these guys' attention? Send a resume with a cover letter? I just...
Read More

Hey kids, who likes conspiracy theories? Here's one. Dick Cheney orders his minions at Halliburton to blow up an oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico on April 20, aka 420, to ruin this day of celebration for potheads forevermore. Why? Because as market research indicates, potheads are likely to be tree huggers and ultimately, once the smoke clears, liberals. Which are, as market research...
Read More

Last night I ripped a hole in my blue jeans on an exposed screw while running from the Po-Po. Naturally, I don't know how to sew. I'm a modern American male: I have no practical skills. So what the hell am I supposed to do? File a lawsuit against the LAPD? Yes, that's an excellent idea. Thank you for your advice. I'll let you know...
Read More

My new goal in life is to have 1 million friends on this site by the time I'm 60. And no, I haven't done the math. And I'm not going to. I just want to be the most popular loser pervert that's ever lived. That's all. By 60.

I encourage everyone here to join my Anti-Fortune Cookie Movement. We have all been lied to enough. There is no "love" or "wealth" or "happiness" on our pathetic horizons. These little sweet tasting cookies have peddled their fraudulent futures for long enough. It's time to say "No More". How many more westerners must be tricked into believing there is hope, intoxicated by a belly full...
Read More

I'm currently starring in an unscripted, non-televised reality show called "White Recluse". It's about a minimally-tattooed guy in his thirties who never leaves his room/web and spends his time viewing erotic images of tattooed women on one particular website. It's a comi-tragedy. The guy, the White Recluse, attacks and bites people who disrupt his viewing of these beautiful punk girls. In season two, the White...
Read More

You want to know what's funny, folks? As a nation, America spends billions of dollars a year on "homeland security" to prevent acts of terrorism; and as it just so happens, an astronomical amount of environmental devastation has been inflicted on our country by a corporation that was licensed and "regulated" by our own government. Now that's funny. Real fucking funny.