cotten

One morning I'm out of milk, but I have plenty of cereal. Another morning I'm out of cereal but have plenty of milk. Then I'm out of milk but have plenty of cereal. Then it's a half carton of milk in the fridge and cereal dust in the box. Who the fuck is in charge of measuring out these products? Seriously. What kind of sadistic...
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I'm not necessarily opposed to a beautiful woman spraying my face with spit, that is, if the conversation is good. O hell, even if the conversation is piss poor. As long as she's beautiful. And as we know, beauty is diverse. So that's a lot of forgiven spit. Just the other night, while sulking/drinking in my local bar, a beauty with blue eyes and sable...
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Dog fighting is barbaric. Last night I took my nephew to a "tournament" and neither one of us enjoyed it. For one, there was no seating and my little nephew couldn't even see the "doggie woggies playing". I felt bad for him because he really loves dogs. And I felt bad for myself, since they had no concessions, and I couldn't get a decent cocktail...
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Ahhh, a bottle of Bordeaux, sliced baguette and brie, and the shine from the freshly sharpened blade on my guillotine -- I just love Bastille Day: Sit around drinking wine all day, waiting for a member of the aristocracy to stroll by....

As soon as I realized I was two dollars short for my taco take-out tab, I immediately called upon God for help. Supposedly there aren't any atheists on the battlefield, and the same is true for the atheist who is in danger of going tacoless for dinner. The restaurant was cash only, so it was find two dollars or starve. So I prayed for quarters....
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Just now boiling water and I heard the faintest symphony coming from the kettle. O Insanity I embrace you. Let us boil some more water and dance to this music!

According to one historian, founding father James Madison consumed one pint of whiskey every day. Now if grade school taught me one thing, it is to emulate the founding fathers. So would I be a better American if I drank two pints per day?

I really have no choice but to come out of retirement and return to boxing. I mean, I got to defend my feather weight title, right? And with all this talk, all the articles, all the other boxers saying that Cotten is washed up, spending all his time at Bourbon bars drinking - that's right - bourbon, giving strippers all his winnings, and his pectorals...
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I'd like to thank Jesus for rising from the dead on this day in 1776 to write the Declaration of Independence and also for bravely riding around on a horse and scaring all the British out of America so that future Americans would be free to build Starbucks instead of heavily-taxed Tea Houses. Go America!

I just got a boob job so I expect a lot more attention from all of you on this site from this moment on....

If anybody is in need of a personal albatross, hit me up. I got some free time this week.