*** 274 days remain ***
Are you ready?
This is the most amazing story ever told.
I am blessed among men.
Why, you ask?
I meet the biggest retards ever.
And they do give me the stories to tell.
Today, I might have met their queen.
I am a supervisor.
At a coffeeshop.
A badass coffeeshop.
We would kill babies if we thought it would make our espresso better.
A few weeks ago, a girl comes in looking for a job.
She is pretty, but looks a little "used up", shall we say?
I'm charming.
"Used up"
Anyway, she seems nice -- whatever.
"I used to be a manager at Starbucks", she says.
I whip out my AK.
And shoot her face.
No actually I said something like, "Oh my, that's very interesting."
Whatever.
This part of the story is lame.
But it gets better.
The next day I'm at the bus stop waiting for the 74.
And she strolls up.
I say, "Hey Jennifer**"
She says the following OUT LOUD VERBATIM:
(backing away) "Oh my God....some crazy guy saying hi to me at the bus stop....um, I don't know you....so don't say hi to me"
Then I say:
"Um, actually you applied for a job at my coffee shop yesterday."
The she says:
(giant smile) "OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! HIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!! I thought you were like some crazy homeless stalker or something at first. I just have a lot of people from my past that I don't really want to run into"
She's an idiot.
Horrific small talk ensues for the next ten excruciating minutes.
God how I wish I'd had a hammer with which to pound my testicles so I could feel a pain that wasn't the scimitar-like sound of her inane, colon-cancer-causing banter.
But I survived.
I went to work, drank thirty-seven gallons of lavender tea and forgot all about Miss Schizo McCuntsplatter***.
So......
I'm waiting for the 74 to work again today.
"Hi! Sam! How are you?!"
I reach for my hammer only to discover that I was never carrying one.
"Oh hey (her name), how are you?"
"Good, is your boss going to be at work today?"
"No, she's taking a mini-vacation this week. But we're probably not going to be hiring until at least next month."
"Oh shoot! Because they offered me a job at the Ram {restaurant and brewery} in UVillage but I don't know if I want to work in a place with so many temptations"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I just don't want to be working that closely with alcohol. You know how if it's right there, you just have to have it, right?"
"Um...I rarely drink"
"Oh well, you know what I mean. Plus the way the men there were looking at me...I don't know if I want that all the time"
"Well, the shop is definitely a younger crowd, so I don't think you'd have to worry about that"
At this point the buss arrives and I get on.
She gets on too and sits down next to me.
Out of nowhere she drops the follong bomb:
"You should probably know that I'm a disciple."
"A disciple?"
"Yes. A disciple of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."
"Um...okay"
"I've repented for all my sins and soon I'm going to be baptized."
"Your sins?"
"Well.....I've told enough people and I'm no longer ashamed of what I've done, so I guess I can tell you. I used to live in La and go drinking and partying every night. I did some nude modeling for Playboy's college girls issue. I used to be the girl surrounded by ten guys at once. I would wear clothes that showed off my body. That's why I'm dressed so conservatively now. I used to date tons of celebrities that were wearing (and I'm not making this up) THE HOTTEST FASHIONS."
She said that!
She said THE HOTTEST FASHIONS!!!!
I put saltshakers in my mouth and I'm less retarded than this girl!
Hell, Brachiosaurus had a walnut-siized brain and tried to hump boulders and THEY were less retarded than this girl.
Then she says:
"Have you embraced Jesus as our Lord and Savior, Sam?"
I said:
"My lord goes by a different name: Lucifer. My dark prince will conquer all."
She stared for a second and then said:
"Well you and I may have to have a little heart to heart very soon."
Then she got off the bus.
If you don't believe this story, I don't blame you.
It happened to me and I STILL don't believe it.
THE HOTTEST FASHIONS?!
What the fuck?!
There's NO WAY she said that!
But I heard her say it with my own ears!!!!
Hah! I told her a was a satanist! What a dumbass!
I hope she gets a hemmorhoid and that it gets infected.
But seriously though, Beelzebub rules.
** Name changed to protect the idiotic
*** Did you read this as "Cunt splatter" or "Cunts platter", 'cause I totally was going for the first one. "Cunts platter"-- that doesn't even make sense.
Are you ready?
This is the most amazing story ever told.
I am blessed among men.
Why, you ask?
I meet the biggest retards ever.
And they do give me the stories to tell.
Today, I might have met their queen.
I am a supervisor.
At a coffeeshop.
A badass coffeeshop.
We would kill babies if we thought it would make our espresso better.
A few weeks ago, a girl comes in looking for a job.
She is pretty, but looks a little "used up", shall we say?
I'm charming.
"Used up"
Anyway, she seems nice -- whatever.
"I used to be a manager at Starbucks", she says.
I whip out my AK.
And shoot her face.
No actually I said something like, "Oh my, that's very interesting."
Whatever.
This part of the story is lame.
But it gets better.
The next day I'm at the bus stop waiting for the 74.
And she strolls up.
I say, "Hey Jennifer**"
She says the following OUT LOUD VERBATIM:
(backing away) "Oh my God....some crazy guy saying hi to me at the bus stop....um, I don't know you....so don't say hi to me"
Then I say:
"Um, actually you applied for a job at my coffee shop yesterday."
The she says:
(giant smile) "OOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! HIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!! I thought you were like some crazy homeless stalker or something at first. I just have a lot of people from my past that I don't really want to run into"
She's an idiot.
Horrific small talk ensues for the next ten excruciating minutes.
God how I wish I'd had a hammer with which to pound my testicles so I could feel a pain that wasn't the scimitar-like sound of her inane, colon-cancer-causing banter.
But I survived.
I went to work, drank thirty-seven gallons of lavender tea and forgot all about Miss Schizo McCuntsplatter***.
So......
I'm waiting for the 74 to work again today.
"Hi! Sam! How are you?!"
I reach for my hammer only to discover that I was never carrying one.
"Oh hey (her name), how are you?"
"Good, is your boss going to be at work today?"
"No, she's taking a mini-vacation this week. But we're probably not going to be hiring until at least next month."
"Oh shoot! Because they offered me a job at the Ram {restaurant and brewery} in UVillage but I don't know if I want to work in a place with so many temptations"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I just don't want to be working that closely with alcohol. You know how if it's right there, you just have to have it, right?"
"Um...I rarely drink"
"Oh well, you know what I mean. Plus the way the men there were looking at me...I don't know if I want that all the time"
"Well, the shop is definitely a younger crowd, so I don't think you'd have to worry about that"
At this point the buss arrives and I get on.
She gets on too and sits down next to me.
Out of nowhere she drops the follong bomb:
"You should probably know that I'm a disciple."
"A disciple?"
"Yes. A disciple of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ."
"Um...okay"
"I've repented for all my sins and soon I'm going to be baptized."
"Your sins?"
"Well.....I've told enough people and I'm no longer ashamed of what I've done, so I guess I can tell you. I used to live in La and go drinking and partying every night. I did some nude modeling for Playboy's college girls issue. I used to be the girl surrounded by ten guys at once. I would wear clothes that showed off my body. That's why I'm dressed so conservatively now. I used to date tons of celebrities that were wearing (and I'm not making this up) THE HOTTEST FASHIONS."
She said that!
She said THE HOTTEST FASHIONS!!!!
I put saltshakers in my mouth and I'm less retarded than this girl!
Hell, Brachiosaurus had a walnut-siized brain and tried to hump boulders and THEY were less retarded than this girl.
Then she says:
"Have you embraced Jesus as our Lord and Savior, Sam?"
I said:
"My lord goes by a different name: Lucifer. My dark prince will conquer all."
She stared for a second and then said:
"Well you and I may have to have a little heart to heart very soon."
Then she got off the bus.
If you don't believe this story, I don't blame you.
It happened to me and I STILL don't believe it.
THE HOTTEST FASHIONS?!
What the fuck?!
There's NO WAY she said that!
But I heard her say it with my own ears!!!!
Hah! I told her a was a satanist! What a dumbass!
I hope she gets a hemmorhoid and that it gets infected.
But seriously though, Beelzebub rules.
** Name changed to protect the idiotic
*** Did you read this as "Cunt splatter" or "Cunts platter", 'cause I totally was going for the first one. "Cunts platter"-- that doesn't even make sense.