cosette

College regret #1:

I didn't experience enough. I feel like I have already missed out on important college experiences and now I can't go back and get more involved. I have to wait until my junior year? Why? Because on this campus (not ALL campuses, but this one in particular) you have to be Greek to be involved with campus activities, unless you want to do the activities that aren't really that active and have only ten members u of the 1,200 students on campus. Yes, we only have 1,200. That comma was not misspleaced and no I am not missing a zero. Twelve hundred studnets and that is pushing it. My class is a large class and we have..a little over 300 I think? I know I shouldn't be regretting things on the first half of my sophomore year, but I feel like I fucked up already. Greek is such a huge part of this campus. Like 80% of campus is Greek and yes I know "I want to be the minority" is the "hip" way to think these days, but when you need to think about grad schools and resumes, Greek is a good way to go. They do community service and all kinds of volunteer work. I know it sounds lame since it sees like all the "OMG look how leathery tan my skin is and how fried blonde my hair is!!!" seems to be all Greek is, but here it is different. I've seen all kinds of girls rush Greek here. So why don't I rush? Well, I'd like to say that I don't rush because I don't want to and I don't feel the need to;. There is no desire in me to rush. But that is simply not true. My self-esteem is so low that I feel like no sorority would want me, so why even bother? I haven't even tried. It's too late to rush. I have to wait until my junior year to do anything about it. So my junior year I'll be a pledge and spend one year being an active. I feel like it's too late.

College regret #2
I didn't branch out enough. Now that the fraternity I was friends with fell through, what do I have left? Nothing. I have no one to bame but myself. I cut myself to one group of people and didn't hav spares, backups, others, nothing. Just them. And now that I have no one I feel like I am back to being a freshman. Aren't I supposed to feel like I have moved forward? Instead it is the opposite. I am moving bacwards.

So here I hide...

Behind a fake smile...

All ready to go and wanting to go out, but yet not having anywhere to go...

Feeling kind of naughty and not having anyone to be naughty with...

I need a taste, but of what I don't know. Something different maybe? A sense of belonging? A purpose? Like I'm not so alone? Something exciting and dangerous?

So here I sit completely alone and terrified, trying to come out of my shell, but just don't have the confidence yet. Can anyone here my pleas? My cries of help? Begging someone, just please notice that I'm here and say something to me..anything. Someone please notice that I can't be alone anymore..reach out and grab my hand and tell me that I am not alone and that I don't need to cry anymore...

And suddenly I remember that I am not fifteen anymore. I'm an adult. Or supposed to be. What does that mean? An adult? It can't just be an age. It has to be more than"Well, I'm 18 therefore I am an adult" It's a loaded word, isn't it? It should be. How many of you feel like you're an adult? Not an adult, but a kid at heart but a true adult (whatever that means)?

Adults shouldn't feel this way. They should need this...this...dependency. What an ugly word. Dependent and all forms of it. I'm supposed to be independent. How am I so worried about being dependent all of a sudden? I have always been dealing withb problems on my own. I never needed anyone's help. Yet here I am, hoping and praying that someone will just call me and listen to me cry, even if it seems like childish thing. And there is no one. I sit here feeling like I am in utter darkness because everyone is closing the door on me.

It's a cold and lonely world, or so I have seen. I yet to have any other kind of experience. Optimism? I want it so bad and it is such a stranger to me.,,

Hello?????? Can anyone hear me?!