cosette

Wow. It's been way too long since I've updated. My last term of my freshmen year started last Wednesday. I'm taking a genre film class. May 20 is my last day.

May 20 is also the last day for my relationship. The boyfriend is graduating and I can't help but feel like a total idiot. What was I thinking? Why would I do that to myself? Get into a relationship with someone that will just end up leaving anyway. Long distance won't work. Both of us have too many trust issues for it. I feel like I've fallen for him harder than I meant to. Or is it that I'm just tired of trying new relationships that I just want to find one that will last whether I'm happy or not just so I can stop playing these games. On the other hand I really don't -ever- want to settle down. You know what's worse? I could have gotten closer to him and really tried to make this relaionship stronger and better and I didn't. He tried and every time he did I would push him away. Now that he's going to be leaving soon I wish I at least would have tried. It's too late now, but then again maybe it's not.

I always let him do whatever he wants. I never et him know when something is bothering me. I just let things happen as they happen. I never fought for this relationship because I was scared of pissing people off. I think I'm done with that. Him and I never spoke of what would actually happen after he graduates and moves on whole I'm stuck here. Do I bring it up? Do I not bring it up? Do I risk letting him into my precious world or do I keep myself closed off? Why am I so worried about this? I still have 3 years left in college. Why am I so hung up on some guy that will be leaving when I have 3 years to be with other guys? I hate myself sometimes...okay a lot of times...

I think if I just grit my teeth and actually tell him how I feel things will be better. If they aren't then at least I can say I tried and did not just let him walk away and us fall apart.