today marks exactly 6 months to the day that i came up to santa rosa to visit erikill.
at that point, i was still happily squirrelled away in bakersfield with my fabuloso roomies, entertained by secret spy bunnies roaming the neighborhood, surrounded by amazing people i had the good fortune to befriend during an incredibly dark and often scary time.
two days earlier ebin and i had been in san francisco for the burlesque show and met more amazing people. we left san francisco hungover, but still managed to watch 'blood sucking freaks' while i drove our weary bodies home. at home, i did some laundry, repacked the rental car, visited by true love, brad, and finally made it back to northern california and into santa rosa at about noon.
i was just in time for my daughter's basketball game, after which i headed off to see a man who was the source of all my adolescent fantasies, a man who still made me all giggly and weak-kneed to think of, a man who i hadn't seen or spoken with in 10 years until finally acquiring his number and speaking with him on new year's eve.
six months ago in the a.m. there's no way you could've ever convinced me i would stay in santa rosa longer than 1 or 2 days at a time.
six months ago in the p.m. i knew i had to come back here to see if all those adolescent fantasies could finally come true.
six months later, today, i packed another bag. this one was full of everything that man has ever given me and dropped it off in his kitchen as i explained to him that there are enough people in the world who don't care about me that i can't justify subjecting myself to someone who claims to have feelings for me but never shows it.
instead, i feel increasingly insignificant, disrespected, manipulated, inferior, rejected, forgotten, misunderstood, unappreciated, unloved, and hopeless. i don't want to go back to feeling that way - especially when it's just been about 3 weeks or so now that i finally feel like my head is clear and free of the depression that gripped me for over a year; finally feel in control of my future, feel motivated and hopeful for good things to come around for me again someday; only to find myself struggling not to lose my tenuous grip on that positivity because of the self-defeating effect his behavior has on me.
six months ago he was the source of 18 years of inspiration, respectful admiration, and goofy romantic daydreams. today i know that girlhood fantasies are better left that way instead of reaching another pivotal moment in maturity - the shattering of your final innocent delusion and the emptiness left behind because there are no more outlandish childhood goals to keep me going - it all has to come from somewhere inside me, now.
at that point, i was still happily squirrelled away in bakersfield with my fabuloso roomies, entertained by secret spy bunnies roaming the neighborhood, surrounded by amazing people i had the good fortune to befriend during an incredibly dark and often scary time.
two days earlier ebin and i had been in san francisco for the burlesque show and met more amazing people. we left san francisco hungover, but still managed to watch 'blood sucking freaks' while i drove our weary bodies home. at home, i did some laundry, repacked the rental car, visited by true love, brad, and finally made it back to northern california and into santa rosa at about noon.
i was just in time for my daughter's basketball game, after which i headed off to see a man who was the source of all my adolescent fantasies, a man who still made me all giggly and weak-kneed to think of, a man who i hadn't seen or spoken with in 10 years until finally acquiring his number and speaking with him on new year's eve.
six months ago in the a.m. there's no way you could've ever convinced me i would stay in santa rosa longer than 1 or 2 days at a time.
six months ago in the p.m. i knew i had to come back here to see if all those adolescent fantasies could finally come true.
six months later, today, i packed another bag. this one was full of everything that man has ever given me and dropped it off in his kitchen as i explained to him that there are enough people in the world who don't care about me that i can't justify subjecting myself to someone who claims to have feelings for me but never shows it.
instead, i feel increasingly insignificant, disrespected, manipulated, inferior, rejected, forgotten, misunderstood, unappreciated, unloved, and hopeless. i don't want to go back to feeling that way - especially when it's just been about 3 weeks or so now that i finally feel like my head is clear and free of the depression that gripped me for over a year; finally feel in control of my future, feel motivated and hopeful for good things to come around for me again someday; only to find myself struggling not to lose my tenuous grip on that positivity because of the self-defeating effect his behavior has on me.
six months ago he was the source of 18 years of inspiration, respectful admiration, and goofy romantic daydreams. today i know that girlhood fantasies are better left that way instead of reaching another pivotal moment in maturity - the shattering of your final innocent delusion and the emptiness left behind because there are no more outlandish childhood goals to keep me going - it all has to come from somewhere inside me, now.
Rey's hangin' in there. the band's doing well, and I'm bored as hell in Bako.
I'm glad you're doing well now. We gotta get together soon and drink! Mwhahaahaaaaaaaaaa!
Ciao
So happy to see you podting again!