Long..........so dont read on if you dont have time. Its just my brain running in circles again. I would put it behind a cut, but I dont know how to do that. So blow me.
well i think im falling in love with john. last time we saw each other was in mid march...and we kissed.with tongue!! hehehehe. seriously though..it was awesome. but the relationship carried on, business as usual. he told me he was gonna take me to lunch for my bday, but plans never worked out. so yesterday i was texting him, like always...and asked if he wanted drinking company. he said he had plans to go watch the sox game at a bar, and i said "choosing pole over pussy, thats kinda gay"...and hes like "not that i'd get any anyways" and im like "are you serious? ive been wanting to tap that for years". then i proceeded to get drunk alone..again...and i just dont understand why he wont fuck me?!!?!? he claims that he basically gets mixed signals from me...blah blah. im surprised because most of the guys i know would fuck me if i offered..i guess im not used to men who dont just want sex. it seems foreign to me. i was asking him what the problem was, and he said to not think too much into it....which wont happen. so i asked if he has aids or a deformed cock or something, and he was like "its small". and im like "so". and hes like "i havent gotten complaints, but i dont like it". whatever. i dont really understand the non sex obsessed male i guess.
on a different note, i can tell you right now that if we were to get into a relationship, it would never work out. i can see it all now.....id get too needy and posessive....he'd turn off, turn into an asshole...break up with me and ignore me until i went insane. and we would never speak again. and i dont want that. and even though i want to fuck his brains out, i think if i did, i would develope feelings for him. maybe he feels the same way about it...knows that we would never work out as a couple, so he wants to avoid the whole mess. which is commendable. or maybe he feels like hes not good enough for me, or cant give me what i want. which makes me want him even more! why..oh why do i always fall for the emotionally unavailable ones? its so strange cuz all the time ive known him, i never thought of him in a sexual way. i always loved him like a brother. just in the past year or so have i started to have real sexual feelings for him...and i dont know why. like i said, i know for a fact we would clash as boyfriend/girlfriend....but becoming intimate just as fuck buddies would be the inevitable demise of our friendship. because, i know myself...and i would expect him to change his attitude. as it is, i rarely see him....maybe once every 4 months....and i would just drive myself crazy wanting to be around him all the time. and i know him.....he likes to be alone, he doesnt like to be smothered, he doesnt like to think too deep into things. but sometimes he shows me a nugget of vulnerability. sometimes i see his soft underbelly. i think those are slip ups though, on his part. i think he fears being vulnerable....that i dont know why in detail. i think hes scared to love...i think hes comfortable being alone...and i think he hurts inside a lot. which makes me love him even more. FUCK. this is gay.
well i think im falling in love with john. last time we saw each other was in mid march...and we kissed.with tongue!! hehehehe. seriously though..it was awesome. but the relationship carried on, business as usual. he told me he was gonna take me to lunch for my bday, but plans never worked out. so yesterday i was texting him, like always...and asked if he wanted drinking company. he said he had plans to go watch the sox game at a bar, and i said "choosing pole over pussy, thats kinda gay"...and hes like "not that i'd get any anyways" and im like "are you serious? ive been wanting to tap that for years". then i proceeded to get drunk alone..again...and i just dont understand why he wont fuck me?!!?!? he claims that he basically gets mixed signals from me...blah blah. im surprised because most of the guys i know would fuck me if i offered..i guess im not used to men who dont just want sex. it seems foreign to me. i was asking him what the problem was, and he said to not think too much into it....which wont happen. so i asked if he has aids or a deformed cock or something, and he was like "its small". and im like "so". and hes like "i havent gotten complaints, but i dont like it". whatever. i dont really understand the non sex obsessed male i guess.
on a different note, i can tell you right now that if we were to get into a relationship, it would never work out. i can see it all now.....id get too needy and posessive....he'd turn off, turn into an asshole...break up with me and ignore me until i went insane. and we would never speak again. and i dont want that. and even though i want to fuck his brains out, i think if i did, i would develope feelings for him. maybe he feels the same way about it...knows that we would never work out as a couple, so he wants to avoid the whole mess. which is commendable. or maybe he feels like hes not good enough for me, or cant give me what i want. which makes me want him even more! why..oh why do i always fall for the emotionally unavailable ones? its so strange cuz all the time ive known him, i never thought of him in a sexual way. i always loved him like a brother. just in the past year or so have i started to have real sexual feelings for him...and i dont know why. like i said, i know for a fact we would clash as boyfriend/girlfriend....but becoming intimate just as fuck buddies would be the inevitable demise of our friendship. because, i know myself...and i would expect him to change his attitude. as it is, i rarely see him....maybe once every 4 months....and i would just drive myself crazy wanting to be around him all the time. and i know him.....he likes to be alone, he doesnt like to be smothered, he doesnt like to think too deep into things. but sometimes he shows me a nugget of vulnerability. sometimes i see his soft underbelly. i think those are slip ups though, on his part. i think he fears being vulnerable....that i dont know why in detail. i think hes scared to love...i think hes comfortable being alone...and i think he hurts inside a lot. which makes me love him even more. FUCK. this is gay.
Perhaps, like you, he's concerned that it'll spoil your friendship. Or maybe he doesn't see you in that way, maybe you just aren't his type. Or maybe he is interested but would rather go with the flow - some people like to take things at a steady pace, not just jump straight in the sack. In fact I think you'll find that a surprising amount of guys even find a sexually aggressive female (which is how you come across there) rather unattractive or intimidating.
Asking him outright might seem like the smart thing to do but a lot of men have trouble expressing their feelings, or even understanding them. Or, if he's just not into you, he might be afraid of hurting of your feelings. Even if this guy is usually bold, you might find that around you he might be uncharacteristically shy.
If you're determined to pursue him try to be a little more subtle. Take the focus of sex, at least as far as he's concerned. Drop the hints, the outright questions and so on... just go with the flow a little more and try to develop anything that happens with him more naturally. Or maybe try giving him the opportunity to set the pace, you might find that if you play it a coy he'll take the lead.