cornelius

it's cheesy, i know, that scene in fight club where it's said "it's only when you've lost everything that you're free to do anything." it's a pretty phrase but for me and i think most people it's a tad unattainable. i dream that my psychotic other half will blow all my anthill mentality's shit the fuck up, it would all be so easy, if my tree could shake on it's own.

i'm giving up... trying, i guess. i was assured that once i eventually give up on everything, i won't have anything left to give up. and then, i'll have to start up again.

this should take me... by new year's at the most. it's as easy as growing out your hair.

this isn't going to happen in that palahniuk sense, but in that i'm gonna try and try to streamline how i live... luckily a lot of what i do is erratic, so the exact opposite would be pretty much the same, just bizarro'ed. i trying to become less of a consumer. i haven't bought a new robot in months, and everyone's mistified. i've been working fitter, faster, stronger. i'm starting to realize that just settling for what i'm given isn't gonna cut it any longer, and that now it's all mine to grab. i'm changing it all up, i'm sharpening my teeth.

i think because i tend to isolate myself i became eccentric and i tend to hold on to childish things, that i hold on to my childhood because that's when i felt most secure... i think that i had a hard time growing up, and all this shit i've surrounded myself with was my own stupid way of coping with it, and it's taken me forever to realize that something ain't right.

then, i think of all these other assholes i know (and be assholes, i mean fellow jerks), who have rooms full of vinyl, or computers, or empty liquor bottles, or pornography or some other waste of energy, and i see how they are a lot like me, they have their ups and downs too, and everybody needs a hobby.

i feel like i'm sick of all this shit i'm into, like now i'd rather collect information and philosophy instead of the material end of my means. but i wonder, why can't i do it all at once, and instead of it all cheering me up like it used to it pisses me off, it reminds me of wasted time, burnt out effort. and was it allo for me? was it making me happy or was i trying to make an impression, was i trying to be someone for all the somebodies i don't know?

so i don't know, i don't know whether or not i'm just losing faith, waking up, or becoming an adult. it's probably a little bit of all three.

-bobby