cornelius

she bled vanilla custard at our union, and i was spent, wondering not if she came, but why i was even there... she's a nice enough girl, not entirely crazy, but there is something completely errant about her ways.

she's contradictory and unassuming... she knows not of my secret life, but i'm not one to openly offer any information. she's stylish, sure... you would think that i'd be into her, and i was, 'cause i had not been inside anyone in a long time...

but now, i see that i was just being stingy, going through the motions, half-assing it, and she was probably giving me more credit than i deserve. i was letting the alcohol speak for me, not thinking with my heart or my head, but with my hard parts instead.

she is ms. right now, feeding me seven and sevens to convince me to stay the night, when all i want to do is go back home to my dark nintendo life. i don't want to hold hands with her, but she's making my hands sticky, making herself available while crowbaring herself into my schedule.

more than ever i realize that the reason i am alone is because i need to be in order to figure myself out... this sounds like a good enough reason, but it's not the truth. the truth is that i'd love to be with someone... just not her.

i'll tell myself i just don't have time for a girl, but if the right one came along i know i could find the time... but she isn't the right one. i guess it isn't fair of me to sample, to lead them all on, but if i don't then how do i know what to look out for? even when i'm up front about these things ahead of time, they still get these ideas in their heads that they are going to try and change my mind when it's already made up. i put so much effort into making sure nobody gets hurt that ultimately i just hurt myself.

sometimes i think that it's all just not worth it. sometimes i think i was just happier with pornography.

-bobby