Sometimes I feel like Im just fucking crazy. Im at a point in my life where I am supposed to be all these things: independent, self-reliant, financially stable, charismatic, happy, headed in the right direction why I feel I am supposed to be all these things, I dont even begin to know. Theres a Chinese punk band called Brain Failure, and while Ive never heard their music, Im sure I know how it feels. I am a victim of the values that were thrown around me growing up, and I dont know of any other choices. I was always told the right thing to do while being shown a living model of what not to do. I want to put a silver bullet through the heart of my depression. I feel like I am being forced to do things that I dont want to do, but since I dont know what it is I really want to do (besides sleep all day), I just go with it, hoping that I will figure it out along the way like I have always done in the past. When some obstacle stands in my way, I will always find my own way around or over it Im just not sure what the obstacle is this time. Just how do you fight an invisible enemy?
More and more everyday, I think the obstacle is simply my life, as I live it. Im at a point now where all I do is my daily routine. Im self-sufficient with nothing to show for it. I get paid just enough to keep my life going, but not enough to change anything about it. What little overage I do get from my paycheck after life maintenance gets spent on temporarily improving my tiny life through chemicals and plastic junk. Im the dissatisfied office worker who writes shitty poetry and steals all the time he can to try and stay positive about his station. I dont know why I do the things I do, and I even feel a small amount of guilt for not being as productive as I know I could be. My heart is just not in it anymore My heart has not felt anything, one way or the other, in quite some time.
How can I be passionate about anything if Im not passionate about everything? Whats the fucking point of commuting, of trying to breathe deep under the steady hum of fluorescent lights, of having an opinion about anything, of fucking waking up every fucking morning to do it, do it, to do it again and again and again?
Im starting to have an idea; its starting to gel. I really just need a more fulfilling role in whatever I do. Im a mosquito feasting on a corpse, instead of a great cat sucking the marrow from a fresh kills bones. The more I work, the less I wish I had to, and the less I wish I had even started in the first place. Im jealous of everyone who found the meaning of their lives through unconventional means, the rock stars, the adventurers, the prophets, the shamans. I wish someone had taken me aside when I was younger and explained away all the bullshit, and let me know that there were a thousand different ways to arrive at the same destination.
Whoever said that the shortest distance between 2 points is a straight line was full of shit.
-bobby
More and more everyday, I think the obstacle is simply my life, as I live it. Im at a point now where all I do is my daily routine. Im self-sufficient with nothing to show for it. I get paid just enough to keep my life going, but not enough to change anything about it. What little overage I do get from my paycheck after life maintenance gets spent on temporarily improving my tiny life through chemicals and plastic junk. Im the dissatisfied office worker who writes shitty poetry and steals all the time he can to try and stay positive about his station. I dont know why I do the things I do, and I even feel a small amount of guilt for not being as productive as I know I could be. My heart is just not in it anymore My heart has not felt anything, one way or the other, in quite some time.
How can I be passionate about anything if Im not passionate about everything? Whats the fucking point of commuting, of trying to breathe deep under the steady hum of fluorescent lights, of having an opinion about anything, of fucking waking up every fucking morning to do it, do it, to do it again and again and again?
Im starting to have an idea; its starting to gel. I really just need a more fulfilling role in whatever I do. Im a mosquito feasting on a corpse, instead of a great cat sucking the marrow from a fresh kills bones. The more I work, the less I wish I had to, and the less I wish I had even started in the first place. Im jealous of everyone who found the meaning of their lives through unconventional means, the rock stars, the adventurers, the prophets, the shamans. I wish someone had taken me aside when I was younger and explained away all the bullshit, and let me know that there were a thousand different ways to arrive at the same destination.
Whoever said that the shortest distance between 2 points is a straight line was full of shit.
-bobby
inara:
Next SGAZ event has been posted to the group 