coray

I'm gettin complaints that I dont' write enough in my journal..... and the interisting thing is that its not only from me, in that I absoultly think that I dont' write enough, I'm always having ideas and full disurtations on everything and anything but I never write them down and when I do want to write I can't seem to get back into that state of mind, and when I do write it out it sounds to me like I'm TRYING to sound like I'm smart (you know, like the kids in their first year at uni, and they just learn about something that has opened their mind, and are forced to think in a different way, so all of a sudden they think they know everything about everything, yet still to stupid to realize that the more you learn the less you know (in that the more you learn you should realize that their is a coutless amout of people how have followed that train of thought, hell, they were the engeneriers for that train and have taken it further then you could understand in a 3hr class... so the more you learn the more you realize that you can't know everything)) so now since I got the urge to write (so much so I ran out of the other room to get this down) and now I fear I've run out of things to say....I don't know what to do anymore....where does this path lead me, is the reason I'm so good at traveling...... so good at traveling.... what am I basing that on... the fact that I can get around citys w/ relative ease, the fact that I dont' feel uncomfortable traveling to random places... the fact that it dosn't feel unusual to be in stange places, hell, I can't say strange places b/c they don't feel strange.....but can I make a living out of it, can I survive??? yes, well thats not the question, yes of course "I" could survive, its more a question can I countinue my social network while doing that... ok, yes, I can, thak you interweb....is it the bigger question, can I keep a family going??? no... I dont' thank thats it either.....can I make enough for me to survive into old age.... get a house, and have enough saved to wither away my final years.... or do I want to do that, do I want to burn out, seems like a better plan....... is it better to burn out then fade away......some say yes, some no, some dont' have an opinion..... I don't think I have an opinion, b/c I'm still on the fence on this one.... b/c thinking one way leaves certain options.... ahhhh, fuck that .... now I'm souding like an idiot, this is why I think I stopped writting, I don't want to think of myself as an idiot.... don't want to be like everyone else, so much so I'm nobody at all, damn these genX genes....HA, what am I talking about, much rather be a genX then a Y..... but thats what I say b/c thats what I am, can't change it, kind of like how I prefer to be a man instead of a woman b/c thats all I know and since I can't change it then I accept it and move on.... yet I can't take that attitude w/ anything else, carrears for instance.... I get so far into certain carrear paths, and I guess, get discuraged, and more on.... I'd like to think its something else...... like one of my first carrears was to be a bodyguard, I even had the applicaitons to get into one of the best schools in the world, and I even applyed for the courses that I needed as a prerequest, but I ended up not doing it.... my father discourged it (and the only reason I bring that up is to point out that if I DID go down that path I'd be rich, very rich, very very rich right now, for the simple reason that this world has changed allot since 9/11 and security personal are getting paid more then they should b/c of the demand.... supply and demand..... and well, thats all my father has wanted for me... is to be rich..... funny huh....) in the end, I think I didn't go into the field b/c I'm blind in one eye... that cuts my vision down 1/3 (no the fraciton isn't wrong....take 3rd yr sensation and preception to know what I'm talkin about!!!)... everything else was a go......bah, spilled milk.......then I wanted to be in film, directing, but everyone wants that..... hell most of the things I want to do, as soon as they are adapted into the mainstream I throw them out... is this a faulty gene in us X'rs, or just me.....mainstram = evil...... or do I even think that way, b/c I'm one of the first to stand up for certain songs, movies, etc that are all of a sudden in the mainstream and then INSTANTLY people hate it.... you have to have a reason.... just b/c its popular dosn't mean its bad, it COULD mean, get this, that (hold your breath) that is (da da daaaaaaaaa) GOOD, and that allot of people like it, its now always the case that the people in power (the media gods) have just picked something and told us its good........ so where am I going w/ this.... I dont' know, I really don't..... just allot of rambling that I threw down......no real point, no inciting argument, no really hook, no conclusion, just stuff..... like life...... enjoy the rant ya bastards........ not even going to edit it...... let the chips fall where they may...... enjoy