Well... I'm back... I think. I wasn't really gone, I just kinda made myself scarce for a time. And, had I not changed my mind within a couple weeks, I would have been... for that matter, I may end up changing my mind again, who knows.
A great deal of my life has been recently forced into change, and because of that, I felt that I had to affect some change of my own to at least maintain some semblance of control.
Having said that, this recent up-heaval has demonstrated where my loyalties should lie, and what loyalties are lain upon me. For that, I thank you, you know who you are.
In any event, life is returning to normal... or, more importantly, my perception of life is returning to normal. All I needed was some re-connecting to those that truely mean something in my life, and all of this recent drama has illuminated precisely who those people are, and how much I should appreciate them.
You know, while I was in school (grade school and Junior High, mostly), I had a very, very limited group of friends. In fact, using the term group is probably a little mis-leading. And unfortunately, even those few could be particularily un-reliable sometimes. From that, I came quite adept at not being concerned if I had any friends at all... I learned how to enjoy being by myself. And I tought myself how not to care if I was alone.
In the past little while, that's all changed. I've apparently become quite dependant on knowing that my friends are there and that they care for me in that non-judgmental, unconditional way. Even though, in some instances, I may not spend nearly as much time with them as I would like, I find even just the knowledge that they are there comforting, and warming.
Over the past little while, a lot of that has been torn away from me. And, in more than one instance, from directions that I would never have expected. I came very close to becoming that young, lonely boy in grade-school again. Going about his day mechanically, not really into whatever it was he was doing, but outwardly no different than he'd ever been.
I don't like being that boy. Much as I want to like it, and as much as it would help in a good many situations, and even though there would be now outward change that anyone else could notice... it's not who I am. Though nobody else can see it, it's a very empty, meaningless existance, and I have no intention of going back there, no matter how much easier it would be.
What's more, I'm not going to allow the most foolish drama I've come across in recent months to change that great a portion of my life.
To that end, I'm back. I'm not sure for how long, and I'm not sure how active I'll be...
But, I'm back.
A great deal of my life has been recently forced into change, and because of that, I felt that I had to affect some change of my own to at least maintain some semblance of control.
Having said that, this recent up-heaval has demonstrated where my loyalties should lie, and what loyalties are lain upon me. For that, I thank you, you know who you are.
In any event, life is returning to normal... or, more importantly, my perception of life is returning to normal. All I needed was some re-connecting to those that truely mean something in my life, and all of this recent drama has illuminated precisely who those people are, and how much I should appreciate them.
You know, while I was in school (grade school and Junior High, mostly), I had a very, very limited group of friends. In fact, using the term group is probably a little mis-leading. And unfortunately, even those few could be particularily un-reliable sometimes. From that, I came quite adept at not being concerned if I had any friends at all... I learned how to enjoy being by myself. And I tought myself how not to care if I was alone.
In the past little while, that's all changed. I've apparently become quite dependant on knowing that my friends are there and that they care for me in that non-judgmental, unconditional way. Even though, in some instances, I may not spend nearly as much time with them as I would like, I find even just the knowledge that they are there comforting, and warming.
Over the past little while, a lot of that has been torn away from me. And, in more than one instance, from directions that I would never have expected. I came very close to becoming that young, lonely boy in grade-school again. Going about his day mechanically, not really into whatever it was he was doing, but outwardly no different than he'd ever been.
I don't like being that boy. Much as I want to like it, and as much as it would help in a good many situations, and even though there would be now outward change that anyone else could notice... it's not who I am. Though nobody else can see it, it's a very empty, meaningless existance, and I have no intention of going back there, no matter how much easier it would be.
What's more, I'm not going to allow the most foolish drama I've come across in recent months to change that great a portion of my life.
To that end, I'm back. I'm not sure for how long, and I'm not sure how active I'll be...
But, I'm back.
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
whitewidow:
wow! why so active? 
oracle:
dude, its may...fucking update or something