This is not something I have ever said, nor is it something I have ever written down or blogged about or spoke about or communicated in any way other than talking to myself in my own head. I have dealt with it internally for 43 years now and i really am not sure i should continue to do so. so here i am writing a blog on a page that will be seen by very few people and read by only a small amount of the people who see it.....it feels like a good start as well as a metaphor for my life. It doesnt happen often but from time to time like tonight....i dont know if it should be called depression, im not sad but im not happy. i have a general feeling of emptiness. i could be alone or surrounded by people and i am empty. melancholy is a nice way to describe it. when i feel like this i want to talk i want to get it out of me but i look at every one i know and think....i dont think any of them would understand and if they dont understand then they will just look at me and then i will feel worse. this feeling it lasts a couple days then it kind of fades away mostly but for a couple days i am just.....here....not living.....not happy.....just existing. now dont get me wrong i never ever feel suicidal or like i want to hurt myself i love life i love being alive i am nowhere near ready for that to end. im just empty and existing and i cant describe it any better than that. today is day 1 of feeling like this on this go round and in a few days it will start to fade but i think maybe i need to start talking about this to someone....to anyone....to you strangers i guess. thanks for listening if you did =)
