cookie101x

i wonder if i took off to a new city and met all new people and made up a bunch of stuff about how awesome i was before.. if they would believe me. if it would work, or if id fail at life no matter who i was around or what kindof person i tried to portray myself as. it seems that there's just something about me that screams "hate me, im threatening and way too blunt for you to deal with, destroy me please". its funny though, i used to be really meek and shy and when i found that wasnt working and i was sick of being walked on, i changed myself.. but the more empowered outspoken me hasnt succeded in winning me any social accolades either. then i wonder if maybe its not me that has the problem so much as everyone else isnt willing to get to know the real me and accept me for my foibles. i was at a party this last weekend with tons of people that i went to high school with/used to be closer friends with/have known for years. funny thing is, despite me being my usual jerky blunt harassing self, they still accept me. they know that deep down i am a decent person and am very loyal to my friends that stick with me. it felt so good to be around those people again, to feel like i could be myself again. we had all seen each other do stupid shit and most of us had even been enemies at some point or another, but when i walked into that party i wasnt met with "oh its shannon the bitch" or "what is SHE doing here?", i was met with open arms and questions about what ive been up to etc. it was great. also, it seems that that crowd (mostly punks,lower class st.paulites, etc) were much more accepting of people just being drunken asses than the people ive been around for the last year. no one got uppity when someone heckled someone else, girls didnt gather into cliques to gossip about one another, and it seemed that there was a general understanding that no one was going to hold anything you said or did there against you later.
i guess thats how i remember most of the gatherings i went to in my life, but didnt apprepciate it until now. im just confused as to whether thats where i really belong or if it was just a comforting step into the past.
i dont feel like i fit in anywhere perfectly, i really only have two girlfriends that i can trust and talk to on a regular basis.. this leaves me sortof floating around the edges of other people's social circles where i never quite fit in. (or in more recent history, get completely exhiled from for making mistakes), but whatever, it gave me the teensiest bit of comfort to know that no matter what happens, there are a few people out there that will always welcome me and offer me a beer, even if i havent seen them in forever.







i miss the way he used to write about me on here. i suppose ive been undeserving of those kind of words for some time now
reading those words makes me want to cry, to travel back in time so we could feel the magic again. i miss being the brightest star in his sky.