contrary

I should be immersed in school at the moment, but the storm hasn't arrived yet. Or perhaps I'm not capable of being a part of something anymore. Have I secluded myself into my mind so much that I'm void of any emotion? Has my deep yearning for responsibility towards others caused me to lose touch with my own desires? Not so much seeing as I feel nothing but hate for people I encounter at my work. Why ask me what's my favorite thing on the menu? Will that make us brothers? What does it matter what my favorite is, what I like might be very different from what you prefer. Even customers that offer me a smile really only grant me disdain by the fact that they may do with me what they please and I submit to enable my self to make rent (and music, movies, and other crap). I used to think that my only solace was in my coworkers, which for the most part it is seeing as there is a relatability in being in the same predicament. But my cooks hate me seeing as I spread a rumor around that two of them were gay lovers. This was meant to be a fun jab seeing as we joke about being lovers all the time, but soon as word hit the chef manager, they got all bitter despite his indifference. Oh well. I also don't see the reason in writing this blog seeing as it doesn't bring me any closer to people, but I do it anyway. Desperation perhaps? Maybe hope? Either way, what for? Why be with people? You can only be known to another as an object, something I am for people on a daily business so much that I can't greet people with a smile. What will they ask of next? I had hoped that working at a Vegan restuarant might provided me with a more solitary crowd, but how naive was that presupposition?! I've drowned myself in elitists! My ears catch on the fly constant discussions of how people who indulge in a more aware, healthier diet are more moral because of their so called "awareness". I support the idea of animals being respected, but what means are justifiable toward this end? My opinions on this matter have left me to be ridiculed by members of such groups as the ALF. But facts scare most theorists, such as the fact that the money that customers, who are predominantly vegetarian at least, put in this establishment will go to pay the employees that inlcude the cooks none of which are even vegetarian. These cooks will use this money granted to them by vegans to buy meat products. Absurdity cries before one's hopes and trials and professes futility as God. How limited we are in our capacities, yet our possibilities are endless. I hope to hope, because to be involved in the world is the most disgusting joy that one can experience, the only one in my POV. But as anyone who might read this might gather, where do I start, and what do I hope for?