contradiction

OH MY GOD : FUCKED UP STORY ALERT.

I know that you guys are used to me saying stuff like that. I also know that you guys know that I am not shitting you when I say fucked up. My life is one big fifty-act play of What the Fuck?

So this is why I have not been around.

On Monday, I returned from CT. Tues, spent the eve with the dude with the codeine, fucked him rotten, he asks to see me again the next day, I go home. Wed morning, 6am - there is a knock on the door. Like an idiot, I walk up and answer it, half asleep. It is a cop, and he arrests me on a warrant for missing a court date. WTF? So I go BACK to jail AGAIN!!! (Third time's the charm?) Let's not even mention that the original battery charges have been dropped. So I spend 4 days in jail (REAL jail) communing with crack whores and garnering the respect of Mexican gang girls because I have purple streaks in my hair and big tattoos. People do my chores for me. Still sucks ass.
So I call my roommates, and I say get me the fuck outta here. They are like, no, and by the way, you have to move out. Holy shit. I am in jail and homeless now. So I call my friend that I play keys in his band, and I am like get me the fuck outta here. He is like okay...let's call your manager/psuedo-guy. I am like FUCK no. I do not want him involved. I thought he and I had worked through all the bullshit, and I knew this was not going to help. So my friend calls him anyway. I talk to him, and he calls my mom, gets the money to bail me out, and says I can move in with him. He sounds really weird, and he treats me really coldly. Great, there goes that. So finally I get dropped off at his place by an officer, who sets me up on home confinement (another WTF?). So now I am living with this person who I just stayed with for a week and a half in CT, and have had about the most FUCKED relationship with that I have ever had for just a month. He is like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, this one. For a couple days he will be affectionate, caring, sweet, attentive, and then for a few days he pops into asshole mode - distant, condescending, bossy, dismissive. I have come to a conclusion...I don't give a rat's ass. It is the only way to survive. I mean, I have to be in this house 7 days, 24 hours except for 2 hours on Mon and 4 hours on Sat. If I didn't do some major self preservation, I would kill him, and I am not allowed to get far enough away from the apartment to hide the body.

So I am going very insane. Not to mention, now he says that he is going back up north at the beginning of next month (originally I was supposed to go too, to do some more recording), and that I will need to be out of his apt by then. If you had seen/heard how he went about telling me this, you would understand why I had the sudden urge to feed him his own testicles. I don't feel that he has to keep me here, but damn, baby, that's COLD. Heh.

So I guess this is where this whole thing ends (on the personal level), considering the fact that the inter-personal aspects of this relationship have become a clusterfuck that is constantly vascilating between the good and the completely hopeless. As my friends say though, "At least you know he's fucked up, it's not you." Small consolation. Mind you, we have not ceased fucking of course, that is just too damn much fun. I am sure when he kicks me out, that will cease as well. I am also worried that he is going to fuck me over musically, although he swore up one side and down the other this weekend that was not the case at all.

My biggest problems with all of this:

- Consistency. I HATE people that are inconsistent in their treatment of me. If you are going to be an asshole, just be an asshole all the time. Don't do the love me/hate me thing.

- Say What You Mean. If you don't mean it, don't say it. If you aren't going to do it, don't say you will. Don't be a fucking liar. End of story.

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