contradiction

Oh jeez....you know, why ask the question if you DON'T WANT TO KNOW????

5 days after my last post, the ex bf calls me. Strange occurance. I had emailed him to ask if he was OK, after a dream I had (the one that made me think he was seeing someone). Well, we had a little rule that we were not going to discuss such things...that was, HAD. Halfway into the conversation he starts into this story about his "friend" which turns into a "very close friend" which turns into "I am in a very close personal relationship with this person". Then he admits he almost lied to me about it (which I also saw in my dream). Way to be smooth, asshole.

So anyway, needless to say I was not shocked but hurt. He broke our agreement not to tell each other that stuff (which of course makes me want to tell him what I have been up to, but I digress). So I told him I couldn't speak to him anymore that evening, and on exiting the conversation, he says "I love you, baby". WHAT?!?!?! Putz.

So I vow not to talk to him. Next night, he calls AGAIN. I don't pick up (I love caller ID). He leaves a message saying he just wanted to check and see if I was OK. So I shoot him off an email that went something like "NO I am not OK, obviously, and you know it. I hope you never have to go through this (of course, silently think, yes I do). Don't call me anymore."

So he emails me back and claims he doesn't know why I am upset, but he has a clue, and he swears that there is another chapter in our lives together (how fucking vague can you get). Well I hae played this ridiculous game for 3 years. FUCK that. I emailed him back and said, that may be true, I don't know the future, but I refused to count on it anymore. He had also said that there are great things happening for me and that I shouldn't lose sight of that - I am like yeah, no shit. Why would I lose faith in myself because of YOU?!?! I called him on the carpet for not having the cojones to just speak to me in plain english, stop leaving these freaking trap doors all over for me to fall into, and just discuss the relationship as adults. I ended with affirming that only I have allowed him to do this in my life, and now I am cutting it off.

I always thought that the day this happened would kill me. I feel so much better, stronger, more focused. Not that I have just sat around and pined for this guy for 3 years, but we have gone back and forth for that time with this "in the future..." thing. I can't say I don't love him, and I did my share of drinking and screaming that night we talked, but I am ready to not bow to this bullshit anymore. If he ever does come back (and if I even accept him) that is of no consequence to me now.

Phew....now that I am done being a 12 year old girl writing in a diary....

I feel better.

How's everyone else? Anyone for a beer?