contradiction

wow, this has been a fucked up weekend.....

I am in the middle of personal crises...of course I am half fearful and half at home in the chaos. I think I only fear because any traditional person would, and I almost feel like people expect me to be that way too. I get over it quickly....

My band is going to do that show. Fuck it. I don't care who is with me or against me.

I am having this urge, a craving to move back to CA again. I miss my home, and I miss the things I had there. Everyone there is so much freer, accepting, the pace is frantic (my favorite way to be), and there are things there which I feel that I need to reclaim. Can't do it now, but maybe in a year....after I have dropped the album.

I have been offered a lot of musical sidework (mostly vocal, violin, and keys) with other bands. I have been offered a tour in May opening for KMFDM with a friends band. I have been strangely productive even though the whole world backpedals around me. There are the missing things....and I accept this as my current state and I am channeling that energy.

"You see me blind, You see my shadow, you see my true self, you see me hollow, you see me lost, you see my fear, you see....you see things no one ever sees....you lose yourself because of me...." --Severance, "Safe Distance"