Procrastinate. It's all I ever seem to do. *(sigh)*
Being unemployed isn't very inspiring, kinda makes me feel grimey. I've got an interview this coming week for a different type of job than I'm used to - no more serving, no more resturant fucking drama social hour bullshit. I'll have a little cubicle and a little headset, and sit in front of a computer 5 days a week for $15 an hour.
I just want to go, though. I love my new home, and living with my family has done me some good. But not enough. I need a fresh start, a new way of life, a different atmosphere. And I need to be with him. Phone sex is only entertaining for so long.....
This beautiful place he comes from, it's like a dream, a fantasy, I don't even think I'll believe it exists til I step foot on Greek soil. I've been stuck in South Jersey my whole life, I've never been anywhere. My big trip so far was the Canadian side of Niagra Falls. Whooo fucking hoooo.
I spend time with people who care, but have pretty effed up ways of showing it, sometimes. Everybody's worried about partying, getting laid, and getting by by the skin of their teeth. No ambition, unless you count the tremendous effort they make to purchase weed or play video games.
I dunno. I just think I REALLY need to get away from people like this. And a lifestyle like this. It's very easy to get caught up into, and it does not make me happy.
Henry Miller wrote a book about his time in Cyprus. I've heard so many tales of Americans falling in love with Greece, people who take one look and never want to turn back. My anticipation for this feeling is eating away at me, I'm SO anxious!!!
So, in my absence, Dimo and I have become more and more dedicated to making us work. He just started a new job with great pay and should be on his feet in Athens in no time. Now it's up to me - I need to get my ass to work and stop losing sight of my goals, save my money, get a freakin passport, continue learning the language (which is SO very beautiful), and buy my butt a one way ticket.
YES. I said ONE WAY. I'm not planning on coming back. I know, I know..........I've never been there, what if things don't work out with him and me, what if, what if , what if.
There are no what ifs for me. I KNOW this will work. I KNOW this is what's best for both of us. I KNOW I will love it there. And I KNOW we're both ready to do this, both ready to start our lives together and stop acting like children. I've never been so sure of anything. I trust my gut, it's made me falter on occassion, but in the end it's always right.
God, I love him. I could fall in love with Siberia if it meant being by his side. I'm still very puzzled as to how I lost sight of this. He's already shown me he'd do the same, he dealt with life in the States for seven years - for me.
He's been gone for almost two months, now. I pass our apartment every time I visit my best friend, Lisa. It's so weird to see lights on in there, to know how quickly a new life began in OUR home.
I had a yard sale a few weeks ago and sold alot of our household items, kitchen shit, things we no longer use or that I just plain didn't have room for. It felt like I was selling people my memories. (Come get your used memories, only a dollar!!!) I made it through, though, because STUFF does not equal US, my heart is filled with memories nobody can put a price on. Ended up making $230 to support my broke ass til I get this job, so it was a hard days work well spent. A little depressing, but being a baby never got me very far. Sometimes ya gotta harden yourself a little for your own good.
He's finally calmed himself down enough to be excited about us getting back together. We both had our guards up for a bit, we inflicted some pretty gnarly wounds upon each other.
But now we're gung fucking ho. Ready. Determined. Finally we're both on the same page. It's like the last year never happened, I like to call it awaking from a bad acid trip. In essence, that's kinda what it was. His first night back here last May, that's exactly what we had. And we both remember realizing that something was going to go wrong, but not remembering how we knew or what we knew. Scariest night (year) of my life, no lie. And I will NEVER touch that shit again.
So what we're aiming for is December, no later than Christmas. I've got four and a half months to get my shit together. I've got a few loose ends to tie up, alot of goodbyes to say, and then I'm off......................*(SQUEE)*
(side note: this does NOT mean I'll be leaving the site. Just gives a few of you a good idea of a vacation spot. You'll have a friend who can show you the sites.)
The only other thing going on right now is this sticky situation I've gotten into. My friends have all become incestuous and started fucking one another. For a split second, I considered joining in on the debauchery, and told my best friend I've got "feelings" for her. I was drunk, I got this sudden burst of jealousy, and blurted out things I probably shouldn't have to her. She's a large part of the reason I started to question my sexuality, and I told her as much. But I don't want a relationship with her, I really don't. It would never work, and I have no desire to try. I think she's under the impression that I'm in love with her, and it's made things a little twisted. I'm not, I'm just incredibly physically attracted to her. And this was something I felt best to keep a lid on for two years. But then I got wasted.........
She wrote me the most beautiful poem for my birthday, I never knew she had something like that in her. I know our friendship can survive all of this, she's pretty damn used to friends crushing on her (little hot-ass latina). Still, things are gonna be a little off for a minute with us (basically, while she ponders whether or not to sleep with me, she seems to be on the fence about these "feelings" I've spoken of). I dunno, I don't need any complications right now, why did I start this? I've added a dynamic to our relationship that could potentially get us both into trouble.
Time to give my brain (and your eyes, if you're still reading my ramblings) a rest. I boggle myself.
Off I go to be mindlessly enveloped by the sweet sounds of Guitar Hero 80's..........
Nighty night.
Filikia
Being unemployed isn't very inspiring, kinda makes me feel grimey. I've got an interview this coming week for a different type of job than I'm used to - no more serving, no more resturant fucking drama social hour bullshit. I'll have a little cubicle and a little headset, and sit in front of a computer 5 days a week for $15 an hour.
I just want to go, though. I love my new home, and living with my family has done me some good. But not enough. I need a fresh start, a new way of life, a different atmosphere. And I need to be with him. Phone sex is only entertaining for so long.....
This beautiful place he comes from, it's like a dream, a fantasy, I don't even think I'll believe it exists til I step foot on Greek soil. I've been stuck in South Jersey my whole life, I've never been anywhere. My big trip so far was the Canadian side of Niagra Falls. Whooo fucking hoooo.
I spend time with people who care, but have pretty effed up ways of showing it, sometimes. Everybody's worried about partying, getting laid, and getting by by the skin of their teeth. No ambition, unless you count the tremendous effort they make to purchase weed or play video games.
I dunno. I just think I REALLY need to get away from people like this. And a lifestyle like this. It's very easy to get caught up into, and it does not make me happy.
Henry Miller wrote a book about his time in Cyprus. I've heard so many tales of Americans falling in love with Greece, people who take one look and never want to turn back. My anticipation for this feeling is eating away at me, I'm SO anxious!!!
So, in my absence, Dimo and I have become more and more dedicated to making us work. He just started a new job with great pay and should be on his feet in Athens in no time. Now it's up to me - I need to get my ass to work and stop losing sight of my goals, save my money, get a freakin passport, continue learning the language (which is SO very beautiful), and buy my butt a one way ticket.
YES. I said ONE WAY. I'm not planning on coming back. I know, I know..........I've never been there, what if things don't work out with him and me, what if, what if , what if.
There are no what ifs for me. I KNOW this will work. I KNOW this is what's best for both of us. I KNOW I will love it there. And I KNOW we're both ready to do this, both ready to start our lives together and stop acting like children. I've never been so sure of anything. I trust my gut, it's made me falter on occassion, but in the end it's always right.
God, I love him. I could fall in love with Siberia if it meant being by his side. I'm still very puzzled as to how I lost sight of this. He's already shown me he'd do the same, he dealt with life in the States for seven years - for me.
He's been gone for almost two months, now. I pass our apartment every time I visit my best friend, Lisa. It's so weird to see lights on in there, to know how quickly a new life began in OUR home.
I had a yard sale a few weeks ago and sold alot of our household items, kitchen shit, things we no longer use or that I just plain didn't have room for. It felt like I was selling people my memories. (Come get your used memories, only a dollar!!!) I made it through, though, because STUFF does not equal US, my heart is filled with memories nobody can put a price on. Ended up making $230 to support my broke ass til I get this job, so it was a hard days work well spent. A little depressing, but being a baby never got me very far. Sometimes ya gotta harden yourself a little for your own good.
He's finally calmed himself down enough to be excited about us getting back together. We both had our guards up for a bit, we inflicted some pretty gnarly wounds upon each other.
But now we're gung fucking ho. Ready. Determined. Finally we're both on the same page. It's like the last year never happened, I like to call it awaking from a bad acid trip. In essence, that's kinda what it was. His first night back here last May, that's exactly what we had. And we both remember realizing that something was going to go wrong, but not remembering how we knew or what we knew. Scariest night (year) of my life, no lie. And I will NEVER touch that shit again.
So what we're aiming for is December, no later than Christmas. I've got four and a half months to get my shit together. I've got a few loose ends to tie up, alot of goodbyes to say, and then I'm off......................*(SQUEE)*
(side note: this does NOT mean I'll be leaving the site. Just gives a few of you a good idea of a vacation spot. You'll have a friend who can show you the sites.)
The only other thing going on right now is this sticky situation I've gotten into. My friends have all become incestuous and started fucking one another. For a split second, I considered joining in on the debauchery, and told my best friend I've got "feelings" for her. I was drunk, I got this sudden burst of jealousy, and blurted out things I probably shouldn't have to her. She's a large part of the reason I started to question my sexuality, and I told her as much. But I don't want a relationship with her, I really don't. It would never work, and I have no desire to try. I think she's under the impression that I'm in love with her, and it's made things a little twisted. I'm not, I'm just incredibly physically attracted to her. And this was something I felt best to keep a lid on for two years. But then I got wasted.........
She wrote me the most beautiful poem for my birthday, I never knew she had something like that in her. I know our friendship can survive all of this, she's pretty damn used to friends crushing on her (little hot-ass latina). Still, things are gonna be a little off for a minute with us (basically, while she ponders whether or not to sleep with me, she seems to be on the fence about these "feelings" I've spoken of). I dunno, I don't need any complications right now, why did I start this? I've added a dynamic to our relationship that could potentially get us both into trouble.
Time to give my brain (and your eyes, if you're still reading my ramblings) a rest. I boggle myself.
Off I go to be mindlessly enveloped by the sweet sounds of Guitar Hero 80's..........Nighty night.
Filikia
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
formerviking:
I've been a bad friend lately , so I'm visiting everyone to try to make up for that . You say you've never been out of south Jersey ? I know it's nothing great , but if you'd ever like to visit out in our neck of the woods , you're more then welcome . We have a few places you could crash here . Don't know if you'd like it out here though , it's pretty chilled out for the most part with a current emphasis on tourists . Why are there tourists here ? They can't get enough of the Amish , antiques & good eats out here I guess .
ontothenext:
I completely understand