Hell all,
I wanted to write about my perspective gaining little vacation; mostly for myself to get it all down in one sitting but this is also a format where I can get feedback and maybe even a change of mind yet again.
My life has been uprooted as of late, starting with me loosing a good friend from work. This kind of set me off on my journey of deeper healing and self discovery. I found myself with a great job a nice vehicle and a good life ahead of me, but when my friend died I started to fall apart and I did not know why. I have lost people before and people even closer to me, but they never affected me the way this did. I would wake up with an imaginary knife in my chest and I could not help but cry for hours with no apparent reason. This happened for 2 weeks before lack of sleep and lack of desire to move or even be alive scared me enough to seek help. I found someone who helped me see my past and how I have never properly dealt with nearly every trauma I have had growing up ( more than most ) regardless I found out that I was experiencing PTSD and MDD... I had found my problem. Turns out the scariest thing on this planet is my own brain and it was diving into the foundation of who I am and how I got to be this way that truly was the most difficult. . It’s been over a year now and I have been working on myself every chance I get. I tore my life apart , lost my job broke up with my girlfriend sold my Jeep bought a dog and moved to Kanab ...
So that being said I took a little vacation this last week back up to Salt Lake where I was hoping to get a job and see some friends. This is where my new perspective started. While driving up the highway I had a driver whip his car in and out of traffic and almost run my off the road. At the time I was so angry that this person would put so any lives in danger and for what? I noticed Myself getting more and more enraged until I had the scary thought of catching this guy and showing him how I can put his life in danger too.... ( not pretty) I felt hateful inside and to a point where I knew that if I did catch this guy he would be getting a reaction from 30 years of built up anger that is way above and beyond for the actuality situation that happened. Realizing that I did not like this side of me, I reached out to my good friend who is a therapist and who knows a lot about the way I tick if you will.. I told her what had happened and asked her where this rage came from because it was overwhelming and almost felt uncontrollable. She reminded me that in my life I have built rules and expectations of people so that I am not surprised by things and if everyone were to just meet those expectations than I would feel safe and in control of what’s around me. She explained that by that person taking my safety away, they triggered a response of fight or fight and put me where I don’t feel safe in my own skin. Without control I get scared and start to panic. This all of the sudden made total sense to me, and not even in this exact situation. So many times in my life I have held the expectation of my safety and comfort zone as a basic standard for how people should react, or act to start. .. I will say this, There are rules out there that are dumb and there are some that make a lot of sense but if your choices put others in danger than you are in the wrong. Where I am in the wrong is in my expectation that you would consider my safety to start.
I think I am still putting the lesson into perspective, I feel more accountable to myself to change my levels of safety and hopefully rid myself of the unrealistic fears of life.