so this may be a little fucked but tonight i decided to be some sort of self destructive. Just because all my healthy coping skills weren't fucking cutting it.
So! The old fall backs.
The funny part to me about this is that once i decided to stop trying so damn hard i started feeling considerably better. Almost as if choosing health was what was hurting me. And perhaps it was. So here I am, fairly close to being completely bombed on vodka and watching the walking dead. That was my plan. Get fucking vodka drunk, which was a terrible habit of mine that I haven't been fucked up by in at least 3 years. I feel pretty great. I also prepped for more self destruct but just the act of giving myself freedom to do those things was enough. All i am is drunk, a little mad at the buffering world of internet streaming, still pissed about my weight gain but over all, feeling pretty fucking good.
So thats okay.
