if it would have been a girl i wonder what she would have been like in eight years.... what color would her hair would have been and would she smile when i pushed her around on the merry-go-round and call me daddy... if it would have been a boy would he be as free as the wind, could we fly kites and fish and how would he have sounded when he giggled sitting on my lap when we played horsey?
i don't know why i'm telling you all this, but i really don't have anyone to talk to about it... i don't think any of you read my journal anyway.
a friend and i had been having casual sex for about two months now.... she had surgery yesterday.... killing our unborn child. she told me about it when she got home from the hospital. said she didn't ask me because we weren't dating and it wasn't my decision. said "i'm a big girl, i had a problem and took care of it." she knew 1 week after the first time we had sex.... she's on the pill.... the doctors told her she just fell in that 1% who got pregnant even though they'd been taking the pill. she was so cold... she killed my little boy or my little girl. texted me today, said she bought mirah on vinyl and that i shouldn't ignore her anymore.... that she didn't think that i would've cared about the whole thing anyway...texted that she was "sorry"
i wonder what her/his eyes would've looked like when he/she would've asked me what god was? i feel sick.....
i don't know what to feel... what to say, i've cried... but i dont know why, i vomited in my head... jesus fuck,.;alkfskkkkkkkkkkfkllfsdj. i would have named him rockwell dean duncan, i would have called her my favorite girl. my baby would've been born the first week of november, it was killed the first week of march.
i don't know why i'm telling you all this, but i really don't have anyone to talk to about it... i don't think any of you read my journal anyway.
a friend and i had been having casual sex for about two months now.... she had surgery yesterday.... killing our unborn child. she told me about it when she got home from the hospital. said she didn't ask me because we weren't dating and it wasn't my decision. said "i'm a big girl, i had a problem and took care of it." she knew 1 week after the first time we had sex.... she's on the pill.... the doctors told her she just fell in that 1% who got pregnant even though they'd been taking the pill. she was so cold... she killed my little boy or my little girl. texted me today, said she bought mirah on vinyl and that i shouldn't ignore her anymore.... that she didn't think that i would've cared about the whole thing anyway...texted that she was "sorry"
i wonder what her/his eyes would've looked like when he/she would've asked me what god was? i feel sick.....
i don't know what to feel... what to say, i've cried... but i dont know why, i vomited in my head... jesus fuck,.;alkfskkkkkkkkkkfkllfsdj. i would have named him rockwell dean duncan, i would have called her my favorite girl. my baby would've been born the first week of november, it was killed the first week of march.
my ex-boyfriend went through this about 4 years before we were together. he is still dealing with it; i have stayed up nites holding him and crying with him - its something that doesnt go away.
she did what she thought she was going to be able to deal with - i wont get into my personal views on abortion, and i wont say she was right or wrong.
but this isnt something that we as human beings are meant to deal with.... especially those as young as us. you have the right to mourn and you have the right to be angry and you have the right to cry your eyes out.
i want to be able to tell you something to make it go away but i cant. and im being honest, because i always am - you will carry this around for the rest of your life.
there is a time to mourn, and then, as stupid as it sounds, you will find strength in the people you love, the people who care about you.
if you dont feel like you have that in your life, please talk to me.... ive watched someone i love go through this, and i dont think he could have done it without someone to talk to.