coldandwet

So, this blog has been inspired by my good friend CreamyGoodness, who asked me to apply my higher level reasoning to the current worldwide socio-economic climate; and do what our supposed leaders are unable and find a solution, leading not just to stability, but prosperity.

So here we go;

1) Sofa Financial Recovery

A problem in the current climate is that consumers (thats us) are not really spending. We're concerned we're going to end up jobless, broke and eating kfc from bins by next Christmas, and so the Sky package is being reduced and we've stopped buying free range for another 18p. However, another 200 for spending on luxuries could be everyones, simply by lifting up the sofa cushions, wading through the biscuit crumbs and retrieving all those pound coins. Those really serious about Sofa Cash should stand their chosen seat on its end, and remove one corner of that stapled mesh bottom; I guarantee another few coins can be found in the hidden depths among the foam and springs.


2) Punch Kerry Katona

Okay, I'll admit this is more about revenge than recovery, but I think if everyones state of mind could improve massively with their rage sated. And we've all seen lard faced super mum Kerry "I love coke topped gateau" Katona telling us to spend in Iceland. Well fuck you Kerry, I've now got 91 sat in Rekyjavik and your going to pay!


3) New Industry

When times are hard, we have to fight our way out of trouble by diversifying our national output, and chasing every spare Emirati dirham (arab moolah) could be the perfect way of solving the current dilemma. I suggest that in a bold effort to wring profit from our greatest assets, we should nationalise Girls Aloud, Alexa Chung and the female cast of HollyOaks and pimp them internationally to Oil Rich Sheihks and Bill Clinton. And if their remotely patriotic, they'll be happy to be helping.


4) Get Pissed

Everyone may have seen this, but still makes for stark reading.

If you had purchased $1000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original $1000. With WorldCom, you would have less than $5 left.
If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock you would have $49 left.
If you had purchased United Airlines, you would have nothing left.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund you would have $214.


I'm not gonna argue with that logic. Who's round is it?

5) Derelict my Balls

So watching Zoolander yesterday, it occured to me that Mugatu, when not brainwashing ridiculously good looking male models into killing the Malaysian PrimeMinister was a genius. We should create clothes out of household waste; saving both the enviroment and our wallets. Those of you coming to Newcastle on the 1st should look forward to my Banana Skin suit and milk carton trainers. i'm a bit undecided on the chicken fat hair gel though.


And thats it for now.I think you can see that nothing I've proposed is particuarly difficult, and that with just some simple daily adjustments, the credit crunch can just be a prompt, to do things we should have done years ago. Think about it Kids